Guilty Lovers

DEAR FRIAR RICK: It’s very difficult for me to speak about this, but I will try it to summarize it in a few words. I desperately need your advice on this matter.

  I have had a boyfriend for about a year now, and we are getting along fine. The problem is that we are not married and, I don’t know how to say this, but… we are not leading pure lives in the eyes of God. We are not so religious, but I know it’s a sin and I explained it to him, but in vain. He is a good man and says that he loves me, so now I have lost inner peace. This among other sins is killing me.

  We would like to get married, but we don’t have the money nor a house in which to live. What can we do? I know that the Church says we should wait until we get married, but we can’t resist. We need help. He, especially, needs to understand that this way of life is not good.

  It’s mostly my fault, not his, because I’m the one allowing many things to happen. I have been alone for many years and, honestly, I don’t want to lose him. Loneliness is not easy. Please help me, Father Rick.

  

  Two songs popped into my head as I read your letter. The first is by the Beatles, and the lyrics sing, “All you need is love, love, love is all you need”. The second is by the Rolling Stones, “You can’t always get what you want”.  These two songs capture, I think, a little bit of both the dilemma you seem to face, and perhaps an idea towards the kind of solution that might be helpful.

  Love  is such a beautiful thing, but it can also be so painful. I hear the suffering that you are experiencing. Please do not despair. Remember that you are not alone in this. We are all, to some degree or another, in the same boat – at least those of us who are human.

  Our faith reminds us that the very nature of God is love. As Saint John writes, “God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God in them”. God calls us to love and be loved. This requires maturity, generosity and sacrifice. This love becomes both more complicated and also more interesting when it is accompanied by sexual or romantic attraction. The physical expression of love in sex is a beautiful, mysterious and God-given reality. This passionate expression of sexual love is best expressed within a loving marriage.

  While this is true, and as Catholics we strive towards this ideal, it may sometimes be very difficult. Once we have been ‘smitten’ by romantic love it takes a lot of discipline to abstain from its expression in sex.

  Practically speaking I would suggest that you aim to have some quality time together, but avoid situations where you are alone and where there is the opportunity for things to get out of hand. Involve family and friends in your outings and activities.

  Another idea is to be creative in expressing your love. So many people associate intimacy with sex. It is possible to be chaste and have intimate relationships. That’s the ideal to which religious are called. You can use this time of courtship to find ways to show your love in a manner that expresses the passion you feel. I know that this may sound kind of corny, but have you thought of writing love letters to one another? It’s kind of old fashioned, but so romantic. When I speak of letters I don’t mean email. Use cards and scented stationary that you actually mail, and for which you have to wait. Another idea is to take a cooking class or dancing lessons. Do stuff together that binds you closer and closer until you enter into the ultimate coming together of marriage.