A Toxic Mix

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a 35-year-old married woman, and I would like to tell you about an experience that changed my life for the worse: about two years ago I had an abortion. I will never know what drove me to take such an extreme course of action, considering the fact that I’ve always been strongly opposed to the practice. Since that abortion, my life has been plagued by tears and desperation.



Being the mother of two lovely children (the smallest was 9 months old when I became pregnant), I allowed myself to be swayed by fears. I believed I would not have been able to guarantee them a future, partly because we are living only on my husband’s meagre salary. My husband was supportive of whatever choice I would make. I have confessed my sin, and the priest gave me absolution. However, I still do not feel at peace. If only I could turn back the clock! What can I do?





Many years ago there were quite a few news stories here in Canada about infants being killed by parents – shaking them and causing severe brain injury. These were horrific cases that made my stomach turn. I had rather judgemental thoughts about the parents that could possibly do that to their children. I felt superior!



It wasn’t until several years later when I became the pastor of a parish that I gained a bit more compassion for parents. Certainly, my belief that violence against children is wrong has not changed. However, my appreciation of the desperation that parents can experience has made me a little bit more compassionate. I remember one family where the parents had two little infants, twins, and they were being breast-fed. This means that the parents basically do not sleep very much at all. I visited the family when both the children had colds and were feeling quite miserable. There was nothing the parents could do to console them. They cried, and wailed, all the time, in unison! After an hour I could easily have pitched the two of them out the window. I knew then it was probably time for me to leave! Of course there is no way I would have done that… but there was a part of me that was growing quite desperate after only an hour. Imagine the parents!



In your case, it is quite clear that you understand that abortion is wrong and not a choice. Yet you acted in a way that was contrary not only to God’s will for us, but also contrary to your own beliefs.



What can possibly explain this? You were a mom with two small children, one of them being 9 months old. I bet you were very tired, probably sleep deprived and experience the normal fluctuations in your hormonal balance that sometimes comes after giving birth. Were you experiencing post-partum depression? Add a good dose of fear and financial worry and you’ve got quite the toxic mix. This in itself does not absolve you of your actions, but it can mitigate your culpability.



You rightly confessed to a priest and received the gift of God’s merciful compassion. In God’s sight the matter is closed. However, the reasons that may have led to your desperate action in the first place may still have an effect in your life today. In other words, you may also need to attend to the more emotional issues at stake. It may be that you are experiencing further depression… which would explain the tears and desperation. It may also be the normal part of grieving; grieving the loss of your unborn child and also grieving the loss of what you may have perceived as a certain ‘innocence’ in yourself. It can be quite devastating when we realize what we are capable of doing.



My recommendations to you are two-fold. First of all you may want to do some reading about some of the emotional side-effects of abortion. You may want to visit the website for Project Rachel at www.hopeafterabortion.com to find out more. My second suggestion is that you speak to your family doctor to perhaps check and make sure you are not suffering from depression.



Finally, you may want to find a tangible action to express your regret and contrition. Some people have ‘adopted’ a child through one of those ‘aid’ agencies in another country. Others have committed themselves to supporting a shelter for children in crisis. Do something to share with others the compassion you have experienced from God.