Angry with God

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I don’t know why I am writing. It has been a very long time since I last went to church and since I last thought about God with anything else than anger and frustration. Most of the time I believe there is a God. But I also feel He cannot love me. I am such a useless person. Before, I used to pray, I used to ask Him to forgive me. But I don’t change. I am such a horrible person. I do such bad things. I try to start again, but I keep making the same mistakes, and I think He must be angry with me. And then I feel angry with Him. If He wanted me to be perfect, why did He not make me perfect? Why does He hide so well?



I am so lonely, I feel so lost, I really wish He would guide me. But I don’t know where to find Him. And so many things in this world make me think He has turned His back on us. I am a medical student and the sufferings I see make me so cross with Him. Why does He leave us in such an imperfect world and expect us to love Him?



I know that what I write is terrible. But I can’t help it. I wish my faith would bring me peace, but instead it is one more thing that makes me feel angry and useless. I don’t know what I want. Would you pray for me? I don’t know how to pray anymore.



Your letter reminds me of Psalm 40, whose author shares your pain. You may wish to pray that psalm slowly and reflect on it. I will certainly join in your prayer, and hopefully point you in the direction of further healing.



Despite the pain that accompanies your feelings; being frustrated and angry with God is not always a bad thing. The way I look at it, people don’t usually get too angry with people unless they truly were expecting more from the other person. The feelings of disappointment you have towards God may actually reveal that you have an underlying hope and expectation that God would do more in your life. Painful as they are, your feelings are a sign that your faith is still alive.



Your main struggle seems to be your human frailty. You seem to find it frustrating to try to grow and become better, and find yourself making mistakes again and again. In a way, it seems like God has set you up for failure. A teacher of mine once described Catholic morality as inviting us to aim high: “If you aim for the stars, you may reach the streetlamp, but if you aim for the streetlamp, you may barely get out of the gutter.” This is quite true, but there is a risk. The danger is that sinful people like you and me may be left with a persistent sense of ‘failing’ and lead us to a kind of neurosis. So what’s the answer? Do we settle for less?



My hunch is that the key here is not found in our sins or lack of them but in God’s love. When the focus is all about me, and what I am doing or not doing for God, then we have a problem. It’s a pretty good indication that there’s something askew. Our lives are meant to be a response to what God is doing for us. Our purpose in life is to love God who loved us first. Loving God back will never be perfect because we are mere creatures. Our sins are part of that reality, but are made tolerable because of God’s mercy.



This relationship with God was never meant to be lived in isolation. That’s why faith, by it’s very nature, is meant to be lived in community – the Church. In the Church we journey together. We allow ourselves to be strengthened by one another’s courage and to be comforted in our struggles. I notice in your letter that there is no mention of a community of faith. I’m not just talking about celebrating Eucharist on Sundays. You need to do more… get involved and become part of the community.



One final thought: if you focus your life on avoiding a sin, you will inevitably return to that sin. If you live your life in pursuit of virtue, you will, more and more, leave sin behind.