Unbelieving Spouse

DEAR FRIAR RICK:I am concerned about my husband. He is a very nice man and a loving father, the only problem is that there is not a flicker of religious faith in him. I’ve tried thousands of times to bring him along with me to Mass, but he says he just isn’t interested. He coaches a football team at out local parish, and is even friends with a few priests, but he says he does not believe in God, and that there is no life after death. He is, in fact, a pure atheist.



What should I do? I do not want to lose him in the afterlife.





I found your letter quite interesting. I too am struggling with how to relate with some of the people I know, good people, who clearly do not have an articulated or explicit faith life. Many of them, funnily enough like your husband, I have come to know through sports programs at our parish. These are people who coach either on our parish baseball or hockey teams, but who have either little or no faith in God.



I find it challenging to figure out how to approach these people. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you as the ‘spouse’ to love someone who does not seem to share your faith, or any faith for that matter.



The first and most important thing we both need to remember is that this is God’s work. Faith is a gift from God. It is God who works in people’s lives, and they must be willing to let God in. Imagine… if you and I, mere mortals, can see the goodness and beauty of our friends and family members, how much more must God love them! We have to trust God. We must also pray for our loved ones; that they may have the grace to be open to experience God’s presence.



It is also important to put this in context. Pope Benedict XVI has been preaching quite about the need to bring the Gospel, once again, to peoples and continents like Europe, which were once bastions of faith. Your husband’s situation is not simply a matter of one person’s goodness or receptiveness to faith, but more profoundly a reflection of our culture’s inability to make the connection with faith. We have become so focused on the ‘human’ potential, on scientific and technological advancement, that many have lost a sense of our need for God. In addition, faith leaders have often neglected the task of engaging our culture in dialogue. Many religious leaders either become hostile to culture or simply accept it wholeheartedly. Faith becomes irrelevant… or so it seems. But if we really believe that human beings are ‘hard-wired’ for faith – that it is part and parcel of what it means to be human – then we must look for signs of faith in ways that are less than obvious. In Canada, sociologist Reginald Bibby has researched and written about this quite extensively. I would recommend his book Restless Gods. This is a an academic/pastoral book, not a ‘how-to-get-my-husband-to-church’ book. But it might just give you some insights into the much broader phenomenon.



So, after all this talk… what can you do? I would suggest taking your cue from the earliest of Christians. You must be a shining witness to your faith. Live your faith, explicitly, religiously and without shame. Live the joy of Christ’s love for you, the power of God’s forgiveness for you – and yours for others, the audacity of your charity and service, and the radical acceptance and respect for others. Be a witness to the Resurrection as Pope Benedict told the people of Porto in Portugal just a few months ago:



“My brothers and sisters, you need to become witnesses with me to the resurrection of Jesus. In effect, if you do not become his witnesses in your daily lives, who will do so in your place?... We impose nothing, yet we propose ceaselessly, as Peter recommends in one of his Letters: “In your hearts, reverence Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to make a defence to anyone who calls you to account for the hope that is in you” (1 Pet 3:15).



And everyone, in the end, asks this of us, even those who seem not to. From personal and communal experience, we know well that it is Jesus whom everyone awaits.