Happiness for Two

EARLY ONE morning, Leslie rose and dressed hastily driving her husband Russell to the airport for an early flight. “I was feeling sad because this business trip meant he wouldn’t be in town for my birthday tomorrow,” she says. “Arriving home I noticed a note on the bathroom mirror. Using my eyebrow pencil, Russ left this message: ‘Happy Birthday – I love you!’” When Leslie stepped into the shower, the same message was taped to the shower door. A similar note was pinned to her bath towel. That morning, everywhere she went in the house, she found the same message Happy Birthday – I love you! on the kitchen counter, on the coffee maker, on the micro wave. Quickly, Leslie’s sadness turned into gladness and disappointment into delight.

Happy couples understand that they have a mutual obligation to promote each other’s joy and bliss. This is something also endorsed in the Bible: “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honouring each other.” (Romans 12:10) Here are ways every couple can experience more joy.

 

More time together

 

Too many couples are so busy with careers, parenting, and other responsibilities that time alone together is almost entirely absent. And that means that shared delight, a key ingredient in marital happiness, is also absent. Just think back to times when you were dating and the countless and delightful hours you both spent together. Recapture some of that now by spending more time together. Debbie Macomber of Port Orchard, Washington, tells how she and her husband do this. Every winter they drive from their Washington house to their winter home on North Hutchinson Island, Florida, a drive of 3,323 miles. People often ask her why they drive rather than fly. Her answer: “Wayne and I are guaranteed quality time together for a week. We may go several hundred miles barely speaking a word, or we may chatter nonstop for miles on end, but each year on that long drive, we fall in love all over again.” Debbie Macomber says, “Every married couple needs to set aside special time to communicate. For some it might be a romantic weekend, a stroll on the beach or cuddle time on a Saturday morning. But for Wayne and me, it’s the 3,323 miles that bring us closer to Florida, to sunshine and to each other.”

 

Time alone too

 

That advice is offered by Lilo and Gerard Leeds who have been married for five decades. In their book, Wonderful Marriage: A Guide To Building A Great Relationship That Will Last A Lifetime, they say, “Happy couples aren’t stuck together like Velcro. They don’t have to do everything together. It is important to respect each other’s privacy and to give each other time alone. Much as you have in common, each of you needs to be able to use your creativity and find fulfilment individually. Whether you pursue your own interests in sports, the arts, playing an instrument, reading a good book, baking a cake, or just going out to lunch with friends, most people need the time and freedom to do things on their own… when you show your partner respect for his or her personal pursuits, it can only strengthen the bond between you.”

 

Be creatively considerate

 

Show your love for your spouse in ways that are both creative and considerate. That’s how the Butterfly House came to be painted in Pacific Grove, California. J. Jackson’s (his first name is the initial ‘J’) wife, Sonia, was gradually losing her vision. For most of her adult life the eye disease retinitis pigmentosa had been stealing her eyesight. Gradually she became blind in her right eye and had only limited vision in her left. When a specialist told the couple that bright colours would be easiest for her to see, Jackson purchased paint and brushes. Over seven years he gradually transformed their home into a brightly coloured work of art. Today, their home is known as the Butterfly House. It has become a major tourist attraction in Pacific Gove, California, as people arrive from all over the world to witness the large, colourful butterflies that Jackson painted all over his house for his partner to see, even with her limited vision in the left eye. “He started this for me,” Sonia says. “It was a gift of love, but I think now it’s for everybody.”

 

For women: compliment more

 

In his book, The Secrets of Happily Married Women, psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, MD, says that  to increase marital happiness, women should compliment more: “Saying good things about your guy when talking to him (or about him) colours the way you see him in your heart.” Dr Haltzman notes that a strong predictor of marital success is the ratio of positive to negative interactions between spouses, with positive comments outnumbering the negative five to one. He asks women, “How does this compare to the ratio of positive to negative interactions you’ve had with your husband today?” Then, he says that there many ways to easily boost this number. “Positive interactions include expressing kind words, paying attention, providing a pleasant experience, making conciliatory gestures, and expressing compliments. And you can cut back on negative behaviours, which include complaining, criticizing, mocking, insulting, whining, communicating contempt, or ignoring him.” Dr Hatlzman has Scripture on his side when he makes that case. Proverbs 21:19 says, “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.”

 

For men: use words

 

Dr Haltzman has a companion book titled The Secrets of Happily Married Men. In it he advises men to speak as well as show their love. “We men may say to ourselves, ‘I went out and did all the things you told me to today. I made your coffee. I put away the groceries. Doesn’t that say that I love you? Well, no. It doesn’t. Because, fellow men, when it comes to communicating love to your wife, you have to actually state it aloud. As a man, I recognize that by engaging in work I am expressing my love for my wife. Unfortunately, she doesn’t interpret it that way. She may a little, but it would probably mean more to her if I were to say I love her.” Perhaps this is what the Apostle had in mind when he wrote, “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.” (Colossians 3:19)

 

Pay attention

 

Demonstrate that you’re paying attention to the likes and needs of your partner. Fix his favourite meal. Attend the opera with her. Watch a hockey game with him. Shop with her. Go to an auto show with him. Give her a massage at the end of a tough day. One woman tells of coming home in tears after a ‘horrendous’ day at work. As she returned home, she saw a bouquet of roses by the door. As she was about to speak, her husband said, “Before you say a word, smell the flowers.” She did and “as I raised my head, he said, ‘Just remember, that’s what life is really all about. You taught me that.’”

 

Not only February 14

 

Of course, Valentine’s Day is a great day to show and share love, but don’t just do that once a year. Make romantic moves together throughout the year. Gregory J. P. Godek, author of 1001 More Ways To Be Romantic, says couples should seriously consider weekend romance. “Recapture your weekends!” he advises. “They’re precious, valuable, irreplaceable times that you could be using to build intimacy with your lover – instead of using them to run errands and cut the lawn. Think about it: a summer only has 12 weekends in it. Why squander them on mundane tasks? Here’s another way to look at weekends: even though weekends seem short when compared to the five day work week, a year has 102 days of Saturdays and Sundays.” Those are 102 opportunities for making romantic gestures.

 

Put it in writing

 

Think about this: when you speak words of love they can be forgotten. However, when you put your love into writing, it can be read and re-read many, many times across many years. Consider this woman who received a letter in the mail from her husband. “I recognized his handwriting immediately and thought ‘what’s up with this?’” She opened the envelope and, handwritten on plain notebook paper, her husband had written how he loved falling asleep next to her every night and how he loved the way she looked on Saturday mornings with her hair pulled back and no makeup on. “As I read, I began to weep tears of joy. His written words were a great reminder of the feelings he has for me. I’ve read his note many times and will cherish it forever.”

 

Be kind

 

Too often the small courtesies which are the norm while dating seem to fall away in marriage. If that’s happened it’s never too late to reclaim civility and kindness in a relationship. Be certain that your language includes the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ many times each day. Do a chore which might normally be one which your partner does. Fill the gas tank for of your spouse’s vehicle. In a relationship there’s no such thing as a ‘small’ act of kindness. In reality, every kind word and deed sets off a ripple effect which expands love and appreciation.