Ideal Mate

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am greatly disappointed. I have always tried to give my children (two boys and a girl) a good Christian education, but apparently I must have got something wrong. All three are very religious, attend Mass regularly on Sunday, and are very active, especially the two boys, in the parish.

I am saddened by the fact that my daughter now says that she wants to cohabitate with her boyfriend. She says that before getting married in church she wants to be sure that she is marrying Mr Right, and that she doesn’t want God to bless a relationship that may not work out in the end.

She says that she has talked this over with a priest who is a friend of hers, and that this priest does not fully agree with her. She insists, however, that this is her decision, and that we, her parents, should respect it. What can we do?

 

Nothing really. You can do nothing. That’s the rather blunt answer to what I imagine is a very difficult question for you. And to be fair, it’s not entirely the correct answer.  Assuming that your daughter is an adult and living in her own home, there is nothing you can do to coerce your daughter into following Church teaching or your instructions. However, your note does present some interesting leads to questions that might be helpful to our reflection on this situation.



You start off by saying that although you raised your children as best you could, you feel that apparently you must have done something wrong to cause your daughter to make this decision. Why do you blame yourself? Are you being humorous or do you in fact believe that you should have done a better job? Don’t you think your daughter has the freedom to make her own choices, even ones that may not be the best?



The second point that really surprised me is that you describe your sons and daughter as ‘very religious’ yet willing to move in with her boyfriend. How do those two realities coexist? I find that hard to understand. I wonder if you have asked your daughter to explain that more. What does she mean when she says she doesn’t want God to bless the wrong marriage? What if the boyfriend is not Mr Right? I’m beginning to wonder what kind of image of God and understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony is running through your daughter’s head. Mr Right? Really? Does she really believe there is only one possible match for her in life?



Finally, you mention her ‘priest friend’. This is good news. She has a friend, who happens to be a priest, and he is someone in whom she can confide. But obviously she does not seem to necessarily follow his advice. Pity.

So now let’s get to the nitty-gritty of the issue at hand. Why does the Church teach that it is wrong for couples to cohabitate before marriage? Is the Church hung up on sex again? Well, yes the Church teaching does assume that couples who are cohabitating are also engaging in premarital sex. Although this is not necessarily the case. Some priests who are preparing cohabitating couples for marriage insist that they live ‘as brother and sister’ until the marriage day. The idea being that sexual activity is the physical symbol of two people giving themselves totally to one another, without reservations, barriers or strings attached, completely, forever in a life giving manner. Any relationship that falls short of that is not worthy of the beauty of the sexual gift.



Another reason that the Church teaches that you should not cohabitate is because the human heart is not cheap. Couples who cohabitate, knowing that they can leave at anytime, do not seem to make as much of an investment in the relationship. It’s been noted in the past that when cohabitating couples marry they have a much higher incidence of divorce. Astounding eh!

In the end, you can tell her all of the above, but she is going to make her own decision. You can certainly tell her how you feel… but I think she knows it. What you can do is to be like Jesus and love her through this difficult time. Support her as best you can without compromising your own values and beliefs. Ultimately, you want to create as positive an environment as possible for her to continue to grow closer to the Lord.