Leap of Faith

DEAR FRIAR RICK: my parents divorced five years ago after years of almost constant fighting and quarrelling. They had got to the stage that they couldn’t stand the sight of each other. On an individual basis they are the loveliest of people, but together formed an explosive mix.

My brother and I grew up witnessing appalling scenes of verbal abuse and sometimes even violent behaviour.

I am now an independent, 24-year-old woman, and have met a nice 30-year-old man who seems to be just the right type of man for me. He is down-to-earth, optimistic, a hard worker and very affectionate. We are refurbishing our future dream-home, and he is living with my mother and me, but in a separate bedroom.

This type of sexless ‘co-habitation’ has strengthened the love we feel for each other, but it has also instilled some doubts in my heart. We do not share the same choice of reading materials or TV programs; I am tidy while he tends to be messy; I am more contemplative while he is more impetuous. My parents’ turbulent relationship still haunts me. Could these differences between us eventually ruin our relationship as it did with my parents?

 

Allow me to begin by congratulating you on your plans for marriage. It seems like you are both two wonderful young people who are taking your future seriously, and that you are both committed to working at building a good solid family together. It sounds like the dynamics of your own family of origin have motivated you to be deliberate and considered in your choices. While this is absolutely commendable, it can also be taken too far. You can’t live your life out of fear for what happened to your parents. You are not them. Besides, it’s our generation’s folly to think that we can ‘control’ our destiny 100 percent. It’s a lie. We do our best and we have to make a leap of faith. This leap, though, does not need to be a blind leap of faith. Let me explain.



You are concerned that some of the differences between you and your fiancé might mirror the relationship your parents had. After all, they were as you describe “the loveliest of people” individually, but “explosive” together. Their combination led to “appalling scenes of verbal abuse” and “even violent behaviour”. I’m sorry, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around a “lovely person” becoming “violent” with their spouse or family. Lovely people do not do that.



I don’t think I’m being naïve here when I think that even couples having their difficulties or challenges can be expected to refrain from abusive behaviour. Although I’ve never been married, I have lived in community for some 30 years with a variety of types of persons, and some with whom I did not always get along. In one case, another friar and I ended up going for ‘couples’ counselling to look at what was causing the conflict in our relationship. This other friar and I are quite different and we probably will always find it challenging to live together, but we are grounded in the love, respect and brotherhood that should characterize friars. These qualities should characterize all relationships. So what I’m saying to you is that, with all due respect, your parents’ painful relationship was probably caused by more than just personality differences. I would guess there were some more serious issues at hand including possibly some mental health problems.



Your situation sounds so much different. You’ve found an apparently amazing young man who loves you so much that he has moved in with you and your mother to help build your home together while respecting your moral and religious values. This has strengthened your love for one another. Wonderful! Do not be afraid of some of the differences between the two of you. You’re not meant to be clones. Again, let’s moderate what I just wrote. If every minute of every day his choices, behaviours and attitudes drive you crazy, then you have problem. And NO, you are not going to change him and he is not going to mellow! He is the way he is. But is that necessarily that bad? Does he not also bring qualities to the relationship? Is his spontaneity, his laid back disposition, and his different taste in entertainment not things that can help balance you out a little? Differences in couples need not cause clashes. In healthy and loving people these differences can help the partners complement one another. I think this is the case with you and your fiancé. Do not fear. Be at peace!