No Kids, Thanks

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am engaged to be married with a 35-year-old man (I am 28) who seems to have all that I desire for in a man: maturity, a practical nature, faithfulness and highly affectionate feelings and behaviour towards me. There is one thing, however, that I will never get from him, and that is a child.

He made that clear to me right from the start. He has absolutely no desire for children, and also feels that he would be inadequate as a father. He says that a couple is already a family.



As the marriage date gets near my doubts increase. Since my teenage years I have always cherished the idea of becoming a mother. Now he is well aware of this, and is saddened by the fact that he cannot satisfy this powerful dream of mine, but he says that he simply cannot countenance the idea of being a father.

Will I feel frustrated and unhappy in a childless marriage? Will I be offending myself if I deny myself the right to have children just to be with him? Is this reason enough to terminate the relationship?

Please give me some light, Friar Rick.

 

The news that I have for you is not good. You are going to have to make some tough decisions. The challenges that you are facing stem from the Church’s understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony as well as from your fiancé’s self-understanding.



I presume that you are planning to get married in the Catholic Church. If that is the case then the two of you will need to reflect on the Church’s understanding of the Sacrament, and whether it is really what you intend. For the Church, marriage in the Church is more than the natural union of a man and a woman; it is also a Sacrament. The Sacrament of Matrimony is a permanent covenant made before God and the Christian community which mirrors the relationship between Christ and us.

The key requirements of the Sacrament of Matrimony are reflected in the vows, namely: that you are acting freely and without any reservations, that it is an exclusive relationship, that you give yourself to the other as husband and wife for the rest of your lives and, and here is the part that concerns you most, that you will accept children from God.



During the preparation before marriage, which I hope the priest or deacon of your parish does sooner than later, you will be asked formally whether you are open to the possibility of having children. This is an essential element of the Sacrament of Marriage, and if this consent is missing you will not be able to marry in the Church. If a person hides his or her true feelings about this it would be grounds for obtaining an annulment of the marriage at a later date. This requirement is not just about a person’s intention, but also about the physical ability of the couple to consummate the marriage, and also to conceive a child. The presumption is always if favour of the couple that they can fulfil this requirement. The problem would arise if there was 100 percent definitive and absolute proof that the couple could never have a child. That kind of absolute proof is rather rare and so most couples, even if they have some fertility issues, can still get married.



The issue around having children is based in the Church’s understanding of the twofold nature of marriage; the unitive and procreative. In other words the purpose of marriage is to unite the couple in Christ so that in the love they share they may grow and become a better and more holy woman and man. The marriage is also meant to create new life; especially, but not limited, to having children. Marriage is not just about the couple. It’s about building up the Kingdom of God. The presence of Christ made real in the couple should spread life and love to others.



Besides the ‘Church’ issue, there is also the question of how your fiancé sees himself. Why does he think he would be inadequate as a father? What’s that about? I don’t know about you, but I would be afraid that if someone feels inadequate as a father they might also be inadequate as a husband. My suggestion is that you help your fiancé get some clarity about his feelings with a professional counsellor before you make any other arrangements for marriage. Your fiancé seems like a really decent man. With a bit of help he might be able to realize, that scary as it is, he is ‘good enough’ to be a father.