Addictions

DEAR FRIAR RICK: Maybe this problem will seem insignificant compared to the more serious ones you are confronted with every day. My 17-year-old son is really starting to worry me because he is becoming addicted to video games. There is no way of making him understand that wasting his afternoons in such trivial pursuits is harmful to his mental and physical health.

I see him studying every now and then, but only between extended periods of engagement in his video games. His teachers have recently told me that his grades are falling, something that had never happened before. We are also worried by the fact that he is starting to avoid his friends and has given up swimming, which he used to love. What can we do?

 

No problem is truly insignificant if it is causing you distress, and in this case it seems that you are justified in being concerned. Your son’s age makes it very important that you proceed with caution. He is almost an adult, he will have ideas of his own and you don’t want to insult him. The best way to proceed in my mind is as an advisor. You need to help your son see the bigger picture of his situation without attacking or judging.

The issue of the harm that video games can cause is hotly debated. It’s like the chicken and the egg dilemma... which came first. Does excessive video gaming cause social and academic problems? Or do emotional issues lead a person to escape in video games? I would never presume to tell your son which one it is in his case. Let him discover it for himself. The most direct route would be to sit down with your son and ask him how he is doing. Ask him if he feels there is an adequate balance in his life. Then give him objective feedback on what you see happening. This has to be observable and quantifiable behaviour. For example if he says that he does not think that his video gaming is out of control you might say that you notice that although he always liked video games and played them a few nights a week now he is skipping meals and not spending time with his friends, but rather gaming every night. You would then ask him how he understands his behaviour. I believe a collaborative approach would be most helpful. The whole point of the process is to help him realize for himself that his choices or compulsion with regards to video gaming is interfering with the long-term goals he has for himself. If that doesn’t work I would seek out professional counselling for him.

 

 

DEAR FRIAR RICK: Last year my sister-in-law, who was expecting her first child, died suddenly from an aneurysm. My brother was utterly devastated, and started drinking heavily. He became a dejected lone wolf.

For the last two months, however, he has started to hang out with strange women, and to spend the night with them, and in the last few days a prostitute has gone to live with him. Of this I am sure because he confirmed it to me himself. I have tried to talk it over with him, but he gets angry whenever we touch the subject, so at this point I really don’t know what to do. It is as if he has become a completely different person. Can grief lead to madness?

 

I am not sure about madness, but grief can lead us to make choices that we might later regret. Abuse of alcohol can especially lead to poor choices that can do permanent damage to ourselves and to others. It sounds like some kind of intervention is in order. This means working with an addictions counsellor to get some of the people who care the most about your brother, like family, friends and coworkers, to gather together with him in the same room and confront him on his reckless behaviour, and to give him a way out. When you do such an intervention you have to have an outcome you want the person to accept, such as going for an assessment or detox and treatment. If the person refuses to accept the feedback of all these people then there needs to be consequences in terms of your relationship with him. The consequences need to be tough and you need to be able to follow through on them. Again, this is a case that requires you to work with a professional counsellor.