What is this thing called love?

Many years ago, when Leo Buscaglia was in Hong Kong, he met a Chinese refugee called Wong who lived with his family in conditions of extreme poverty. In order to find work, Wong would have to learn to speak English better, and so Buscaglia paid his fees for a language course. Some years later, Wong wrote to Buscaglia, saying that he had found work and was now in a position to repay what he considered a debt. Buscaglia, however, encouraged him to find another needy but determined person, as Wong himself had been, and to give him the money in Wong’s and Leo’s name, with the hope that in that way, they could continue to do good to another person who might, in turn, pass on the good deed. This is a simple and charming anecdote which can help us understand who Leo Buscaglia is, and what ‘giving’ means to him.

Leo Felice Buscaglia was the son of a poor Italian family which emigrated to the United States in search of better times. Californian by birth, Buscaglia has progressed through all the stages of a brilliant academic career, and was professor of education at the University of Southern California, Los Angeles for many years. As he himself loves to point out, he is not a psychologist, but rather a trainer who, to practice his profession, nourishes himself more on life’s experiences than on books.

Some years ago, he sold all his possessions and spent two years traveling the globe, spending much of his time in Asia visiting faraway places and learning about peoples who are a world removed from western cultures.

Buscaglia has stayed with the same editor, Charles B. Slack, since his literary debut, and his books have had an outstanding success; they have been published in twenty languages and sold over eleven million copies world-wide. He is currently living in a small town in the state of Nevada, and is president of the ‘Felice’ foundation, which he himself founded and whose aim is to teach and encourage the spirit of ‘giving.

Bettero: You once wrote that to love others, one must first love oneself. What is the meaning of to love oneself and to love others?

Buscaglia: To love oneself means to have the self knowledge and respect for one’s unlimited potential to live, to love and to learn so as to be able to truthfully say I am!, I am important!, I have something to say and something to do in this life that would be lost without me.

To loves others is to realize their uniqueness and limitless possibilities in the same way we value ours. Therefore, when we say we love them, we mean that we want them to be who THEY are, not who we want them to be for our convenience.

Does one learn to love, can it be taught, or is it something which is innate?

Everyone is born to love. I believe that love is an innate quality, a trait within us awaiting actualization. But as with every ability, unless it is tapped and developed, it will never be realized. As we grow, our awareness of love is dependent upon the teachings of those with whom we come into contact – mothers, fathers, extended families, teachers, priests and the general society in which we interact. If any of these sources are lacking, so will our love be lacking. But, as with anything that can be learned, it is never too late to learn, unlearn or relearn, how to love. Herein lies our greatest hope.

Do you believe that, behind the frenetic way of life which our society forces upon us, there lies the inability of so-called western culture to accept death, and therefore to learn to live?

Only those who are able to fully accept life with all its incongruities and mystery will ever be able to accept death. It is only when we stop our frenetic pace long enough to face the fact that we are not immortal, that we do not have forever, can we appreciate the value of the ‘now’ and live each precious moment. Then, when death comes, we can see it for what it is, just another moment on life’s journey.

Many people are anguished by the prospect of a future summed up by Henry D. Thoreau in Walden, when he mentions ‘arriving at the point of death only to discover that you have never really lived.’ How can one overcome this anguish?

We can only overcome the knowledge of our mortality by making every second of our life a vital, exciting, fully realized one, then let tomorrow tell its own story.

The French film director François Truffaut was fascinated by adolescence, because everything that (adolescents) do, they do for the first time. As they get older, adults lose the exclusivity of this singularly adolescent prerogative. In your opinion, is it possible to love and to be enthusiastic about life every day, as if we were discovering it for the first time?

In reality, each day we are newly born. No one can predict what the next moment will bring... it lies open before us waiting in our story to be written. So unpredictable is each day that we have no assurance that when we leave our loved ones in the morning, we will see them again in the evening, when we return. To me this unpredictability is very positive, very exciting. How can one ever be bored or indifferent?

Never before as today is it so easy for people to enter into relationships with one another: moral, cultural, linguistic and ideological barriers are all falling, and yet one finds among people a great sense of emptiness and solitude. Why?

Although it may appear that people are much more together these days, loneliness still remains our major malaise. Loneliness is an internal, personal thing that depends neither on external situations nor on other people. It is certainly apparent that in the last analysis, we are all alone. But this need not be a frightening concept. In fact, this knowledge is necessary as it becomes the prime motivator for our reaching out to others in tenderness, security, and love.

Today, is it more difficult to love or to be loved?

Basically, human nature has not changed over the centuries. Our human needs have pretty much remained the same. So, it seems neither more nor less difficult today to love and be loved. If we decide to dedicate ourselves to the understanding of the dynamics of love and to continually pursue knowledge of it (as we would any skill we desire to master), then love will be no problem. Love is simple. It is we humans who are complex. We seem to be forever seeking ways of making it more difficult to love.

From your books, one understands that you are a very ‘happy’ individual, not only in name (In Italian, Felice, Prof. Buscaglia’s second name, means ‘happy’), and that you are always full of love for others. Is there nothing that disgusts you about this world – injustice, violence, ignorance? Is there no-one whom, rather than hugging, you would like to give a punch on the nose?

Yes, I am a very happy man. I have attempted over the years to make love the center of my existence so that every act I perform emanates from a loving core. But, I am not simplistic. I am well aware that injustice, violence, ignorance, and despair exist... but I am determined not to allow myself to be overwhelmed by these things. I do everything I can to better any existing negative conditions (my books, my classroom teaching, my lectures, my television appearances, my lifestyle) being determined to love in spite of it all. To respond to others with the same anger and hostility they are showing us is to reinforce their destructive behaviors. But to meet their hostility with love is to break the vicious cycle.

It is easy to be happy when material matters such as having a job and a home are not a problem. It is much more difficult to be happy when the circumstances of life have deprived one of one’s livelihood. Do you agree?

Yes, circumstances of life can make happiness difficult. But happiness is a state of mind. It is neither dependent upon ‘things’ or ‘other people’. It is true that we are about as happy as we choose to be. When I was growing up my family was extremely poor and constantly struggling with the most basic needs of life. But my mother never forgot how to laugh and was forever optimistic. My father was constantly striving to make life better for us all and was always full of hope. Growing up with these things made my life rich. I never for a heartbeat knew that I was poor. Perhaps I did not have the material things that are equated with wealth, but I became aware early that others, who appeared to have everything, were often poor in the love that I was rich in.

Why does society tend to alienate so-called ‘losers’, rather than helping them to recover their dignity?

There is an old adage that states, Everyone loves a winner! This is because winners require nothing of us. ‘Losers’, on the other hand, will require that we do something if we must exist alongside them. Too often we are too self involved, too preoccupied, too lazy to do anything but avoid them, often with disdain. To love the unlovable is the real virtue.

Sometimes, people who have had bad experiences in their sentimental life tend to close up, and to exclude any further type of sentimental attachment. In these cases, what can one do in order to find the courage to ‘take the plunge’ and try again?

There is really no choice. We either live life with all its anxieties, uncertainties and pain, or we die in a more living death... far greater in magnitude. When we give up on life, we put ourselves at the mercy of overwhelming forces which render us helpless and compound an already impossible situation. When we take life by the horns, we can find the necessary strength in determination and hope to redirect our lives. The pain that comes from nothingness is always far more devastating than the pain which is the natural result of being human. At least, in the latter case, we are alive, and where there is life, there is always hope.

with Debbie Anderson in Los Angeles

and Martin de Sa’Pinto in Padua