Violent Family

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a 27-year-old Catholic, and I try and want to be a very good Catholic. I live with my parents and try very hard to be a good daughter and sister. I always think of how I’ll affect them with my actions, and I go to extremes to avoid causing conflict even if it means doing great sacrifices on my part. I’m engaged to a 29 year old who also tries hard to be a good person.

 My problem is that despite my efforts my family is extremely fragile. My parents have a very difficult relationship, with occasional bouts of violence. For this reason I feel I can’t leave them to get married and start my own family as I fear something terrible would happen to them.

Meanwhile my fiancé has always been very supportive and patient with me. However he insists we should get married soon as he fears we’re getting older and missing. We’re also having some problems because we feel the need for some sexual intimacy. Please pray for me and give me guidance.

 

It’s interesting how some words just pop out of your letter. I especially noticed the word ‘extreme’. Pay attention here. There’s something really important in your choice of words. This is very serious and requires immediate attention. If I am alarming you by what I am writing; then good. You should be alarmed!

“I go to extremes to avoid causing conflict even if it means doing great sacrifices”. What does that mean? Sacrifice is part of life and certainly a laudable practice. But sacrifice, in imitation of Christ, is meant to be an act of love to build up another person or to strengthen oneself. In your case you are doing great sacrifices to avoid conflict? What’s wrong with conflict? Conflict is a natural, healthy and necessary part of life. It’s essential to have some conflict and work through it in order to grow in healthy relationships whether it’s at the level of the family, friendships or the broader community. When I can disagree with you I can then come to understanding or reconciliation, and it is only then that we realize that our relationship is deeper than this current conflict; it is only then that I learn to really trust you. It’s then that I know that the other person’s love is deeper than just fleeting feelings, but rather is unconditional.



So my thoughts go to your experience as a child in your family. What was it in your childhood that taught you that you needed to avoid conflict at all costs? The answer, equally disturbing, comes a few lines later in your letter when you write, “my family is extremely fragile…  with occasional bouts of violence.” There we are. Certainly, fear of violence is an effective weapon to keep people in line and avoid conflict! Once again you need to pay attention here: if you presently feel unsafe or are threatened by violence you must leave your home immediately! There is absolutely no reason for a young woman, or any person for that matter, to be threatened by violence in their home.

Our faith teaches us that each person must be respected and protected. Who is being violent? Is it one of your parents or a sibling? Are others besides you at risk? It’s your religious obligation to remove yourself from such violence and to make sure no one else is being hurt. If you have any other siblings who are minors you have a legal obligation to report such abuse to the police. You either need to get the violent person out of the house or you need to leave. Go stay with a relative, a friend. I would even rather you stay with your fiancé than endure any violence.



It sounds like your fiancé is a decent supportive guy. He’s right in suggesting you need to move on with your life. However, I think that you have other fish to fry than getting married. You need to deal with what has been happening at home before you start building your own family or you may end up repeating some of the same mistakes!

Dealing with this issue in your family is going to be very difficult. You will feel at times that it is too painful to tackle the problems. You will probably feel like you are betraying them. You cannot deal with this alone. I suggest you contact a social worker or counsellor as soon as possible to help you see clearly the path ahead. I’ll be thinking of you and praying with you.