Too Embarrassed

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a middle-aged woman who feels extremely uncomfortable with the Sacrament of Reconciliation. For some reason, I find it practically impossible to list all my sins during confession. I find the practice so embarrassing that I seem to be up against an insurmountable barrier, and many a times have I walked away from the Church even before daring to enter the Confessional, not to mention that time when I ran away from the booth halfway through my confession.



Fortunately, I have found an understanding priest who absolves me without requiring me to specify the nature and number of my failings. I just say to him, “I repent of all my sins,” and he absolves me after giving me a general penance. However, I have been told that an absolution of this kind is not valid. What is your opinion friar?





Thank you so much for you letter, which captures some of the feelings that many others often have about the Sacrament of Reconciliation. The first thing we need to remember is that, like all the other sacraments, this is an act of worship. The focus of the sacrament is God and what God has done, continues to do, and will do for us. Therefore when one comes into the Confessional chapel or room and sits with the priest the first thing he does is greet us, and then ideally will invite us to listen to the Word of God. Huh? You’ve probably never experienced this eh! I know. For some reason this has never really caught on too much. But even if it’s just a line of scripture the priest knows from memory we are supposed to start with Sacred Scripture. It helps us focus on God’s presence and action in our lives. It is therefore in response to the experience of how much God loves us that we find the courage to then confess our sins.



So, when you write: I find it practically impossible to list all my sins during confession, do you mean that you find it difficult to confess your sins at all, or that you have difficulty confessing all your sins? Either way, this sounds like anxiety.



It is certainly normal to have some degree of general anxiety about confessing our sins during the celebration of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Who wants to admit that we are flawed, broken and sinful at times? Yet, in different ways, we do it all the time. People have no trouble talking about their struggles at Alcoholics Anonymous or other 12 Step meetings. The same is true for various types of support groups. How many people have we witnessed share very intimate details for their failings on television shows such as Oprah? Why is it easier in that context? I guess perhaps people feel that they will not be judged or condemned by those around them. Well, the same is true in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. The priest who acts as the minister, on God’s behalf, is a regular human being who also sins and also celebrates the Sacrament. There is no room for a judgemental or condemning attitude by the priest.



On the other hand, if your issue is about the need to list all your sins and you are anxious that you may be missing some sins, then this is another matter. A simple, and perhaps simplistic, solution is to use a ‘guide’ for an examination of conscience that would help you make full inventory. Just recently I reviewed an application for the iphone that helps people do this. Google ‘friar rick confession app’ to see more about this interesting technology. Or you can usually find a prayer book that does the same thing. This will be helpful if your anxiety is the result of being perhaps a bit forgetful or disorganized. However, in your case, this sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive traits which are often manifested in religious scrupulosity. In this case, even the most sophisticated technology is not going to help. With this type of anxiety one will need to find a good therapist that is trained to deal with scrupulous behaviour. One would also need to work with a priest-confessor who understands this as a mental health issue. It sounds like your confessor is such a priest and is being very kind. Yes, ideally you should confess your sins with some degree of specificity. But in this case there are mitigating circumstances that calls for a pastoral solution. So rest assured the absolution is quite valid.