Strained Amity

Dear Mr. Pfister, I currently live with a roommate, and while we were good friends before moving in together, our friendship and ability to live together has become increasingly strained. Unfortunately, backing out of the lease isn’t financially feasible for either of us. I feel stuck at this point. The problem is that we have fundamental disagreements about the most basic moral principles: she believes it’s okay to have significant others spend the night, that stealing is okay as long as it doesn’t “hurt anyone,” and so on. We navigated these differences before we lived together by agreeing to disagree and were respectful of one another’s beliefs, but this tactic hasn’t translated well to living together because her choices are affecting me more directly now. I’ve tried to discuss my concerns with her, but she doesn’t seem to take them seriously. How do I navigate this situation without feeling as if I need to lock myself in my room every day? Is there any hope for a friendship like ours to continue?

You’re facing two difficulties in the same situation: first, how do I live with this person who is so dissimilar to me in such important ways; and secondly, is this friendship good for me or even worth continuing? However, one approach will effectively address both of these difficulties.

When it comes to navigating strain in relationships, I encourage people to think of this strain and the relationship itself from the perspective of seeds planted in soil. In a relationship there are two seeds: one is the relationship and its strength prior to the difficulty and the other is the difficulty itself. To navigate the difficulty successfully, you need to make sure you have “put in the work” ahead of time by tending to the soil in which the seed of the relationship prior to the difficulty has been planted. If the relationship and its position in the soil is deeper than the difficulty and the strain it will place on the relationship, then it’s an opportune time to address the difficulty. This type of relationship is one in which you can lovingly and respectfully share with one another how the other person’s behavior is affecting you and brainstorm solutions that help both of you to have your needs met successfully. 

If the depth of the relationship in comparison to the difficulty is shallow, it’s not an opportune time to address the problem and the relationship itself needs work. You would need to deepen the relationship so that it can handle the strain the difficulty has placed on it. This appears to be the place where your friendship stands currently. I would encourage you to focus on areas where you agree and do get along in order to deepen the relationship seed, such as engaging in healthy, enjoyable hobbies together in order to “till the soil” and prepare the relationship to handle the difficulty. Your mutual investment in the relationship will result in her taking your concerns more seriously and her being willing to find solutions with you. I would also encourage you to set healthy boundaries as the relationship is being worked on to decrease the amount of negative behavior she is engaging in that affects you directly. 

If you approach the situation in this manner, not only will the roommate relationship hopefully get better, you’ll also have a good idea as to whether or not the friendship itself is able to be salvaged. Her willingness – as well as your own – to invest in the relationship will help you to see more clearly where it’s likely to head in the future.