Shady Past

DEAR FRIAR RICK: The peace and quiet of our home all but collapsed when our only son, who is 25, told us he was determined to marry a beautiful woman of his age, but with a shady past. This woman, from the time she was a teenager, was spurred on by her mother to participate in beauty contests and screen tests for TV shows, which eventually led her to moonlighting as an escort.



My husband and I decided to meet this woman, and were surprised by her kind manners, and that she was upfront about her past. She assured us of her desire to turn a new page in life and start a family with the man she loves dearly: our son.

Our doubts remain, however. We believe the negative values of easy-money and success inculcated by her mother will make her ill-equipped for the responsibilities and sacrifices of motherhood and family life. Is her conversion authentic? I must add that we are not wealthy and that my son works on an hourly wage at a bank.

 

Oh dear Lord, I can see where you would be concerned! It seems from your description that you have acted in true Christian fashion by being respectful and open to this woman. Your description of how she came into a rather unsavoury profession is very sad indeed. You wonder what some parents are thinking when they mislead their children so. It’s almost unimaginable. 

This young woman seems to have made a positive impression on you. She has some good qualities which you admire. You can see why your son would find her attractive. It also sounds like you accept as genuine her desire to move on and take her life in a new direction. The doubts though emerge when you reflect on your own experience of marriage. The normal ups and downs of matrimonial life can test the best of us. What will it do to someone who perhaps is not as solid or tested in her desire to live a virtuous life? Will she fall prey to the allure of easy money and the ‘fast lane’?



As I said above, you already have the basics of the Christian faith that call us to unconditional love and acceptance. Well done. The question is stability. This is a legitimate concern. Perhaps a useful point of reference for you might be how the friars discern a person’s readiness for religious life. You know, friars are not born that way. We don’t always come from the most ideal backgrounds. Like your son’s fiancée many of us struggle through life and are caught up in the allure of power, work, riches, alcohol, drugs or even sex. For example, someone who has had a difficulty with alcohol needs to show, among other things, several years of sobriety before being considered for our formation programme. A man who has been somewhat promiscuous needs to show that he can live a celibate life for several years before being considered. It’s not a question of doubting the person’s heart or their goodwill, but rather their ability to withstand the challenges that may come.



So here are a couple of important questions. How long has this young lady been out of the ‘business’? How does she handle challenges, disappointment, sadness or anger? How long have they known each other? Has she had any ‘slips’ into inappropriate behaviour?

In the most loving, welcoming and charitable of manners you might want to invite your son and his fiancée to enter into a more prolonged engagement period. Give them a chance to really get to know each other well.



Ultimately, this is your son’s decision to make. You can suggest, encourage, inform and share with your son. But you cannot make the decision for him or tell him what to do. I suggest you avoid any threats or blackmail of any kind. If he decides to pursue this relationship against your better judgement and you push him away, it may push him more and more into her arms. If you are respectful of him and his freedom you will leave the door open to him to come back to you if he realizes that this relationship is not the right one for him.

Let us thank God that this young woman has had the grace to change her life. Thank God that she has met a wonderful man like your son. Let us pray that she will indeed be solid in her determination to be faithful to the beauty and dignity with which God created her.