Self Image

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My wife is 56, and she has always been a very attractive woman. Unfortunately, she has lately been suffering from several metabolic disorders and has been on medication. All this has caused her to put on weight – lots of weight. Moreover, certain stains have appeared on her skin, and she now perceives herself as a very ugly woman.

Despite this, my love for her has remained unchanged. However, I seem to be unable to help her. She prefers to go out with only a very limited number of friends, the same old ones, and she tries to avoid meeting people she has not seen for a long time because she is afraid they may not recognise her or tell her that she has changed so much.

Our children, both males, are living far away, and we see them only twice or three times a year. She is now afraid of seeing them this coming Easter.

I do my best to encourage her to meet people, but I am wondering if maybe I should use another method or just simply to let her solve this problem by herself.

 

As you well know, I am sure this is a complex issue that involves both the outwardly apparent medical issues and the more subtle, hidden reality of how your wife sees herself. In regards to both of these issues you will need to continue to be quite gentle.

Your wife has a very serious medical condition that requires her to take this medication which causes the weight gain and the change to her appearance. Thanks be to God that there is medicine that she can take for this. However, it seems that, like the adage goes, the cure is worse than the disease. And so my first line of defence in regards to your situation is to deal with the most obvious; the medication. Does your wife need to take it? Are there any other treatment options? Is there another medication that does not have these side effects?



You know, sometimes our doctors who are so gifted and so intent on solving our medical problem begin to lose sight of the patient and only see the disease. I’m assuming the two of you have been back to the doctor and told him or her that you are unhappy with the situation. If you haven’t done this, please do! There is probably little they can do differently. But then again, maybe there is. Maybe since she developed this illness other options have merged. Don’t give up.



The other part of this equation is how your wife sees herself from the inside – that is, how she feels about herself. She sounds like she might be suffering from a bit of depression and shame about her appearance. Although most depression does resolve itself in time, this may be a bit more tricky and may take too long. So, without any doubt, if this were my spouse or family member, I would strongly suggest some good counselling. The goal of this therapy would be to assist her in accepting the reality of her condition and to empower her to do what she needs to feel better about herself.



This situation may be compounded by the reality of being in one’s mid 50s. Even for the healthiest of persons, this age is when we really begin to notice that we are beginning to age. Not only do we look differently, but we also often feel more tired at times and need longer to recuperate from adventures or even simple jet lag. She probably might profit from having someone with whom to share her anxiety and fears. Counselling would be great!

Another ingredient that will be important for your wife’s ability to cope with the situation is for her to have the complete support of you and your sons. They need to get home and give their mom some love. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, she’s not going to like it, but they need to be there and tell her how much they love her no matter how she looks.

In the meantime, as your wife decides how she wants to move forward, it will be important for you to take care of yourself. Just because your wife feels the need to isolate herself does not mean that you must as well. You need to get out and see people and have some fun. Stay healthy, both physically and emotionally so that you can be there for her in this time of trial.