Rebuild Your Marriage

 

"The tongue has the power of life and death," notes the Bible in Proverbs 18:21. We all carry within us a cure for many relationship ills. Those come in the form of healing words such 'sorry', 'wrong' and 'forgive'. The process of healing marriage hurts is greatly enhanced when we use frequently these three powerful sentences:  I am sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. Use these often and as quickly as possible whenever an issue arises. When you offer those words, back them up with patience because the injured person may need a little time to truly accept the apology and extend forgiveness. One man, whose workaholic style created enormous distance and tension in his marriage, acknowledged this to his wife saying, "I realize that my work somehow took more priority than our marriage. I want you to know that I am sorry, am committed to changing this pattern and would like you to forgive me."  His wife was clearly sceptical and not ready to forgive. His response to her scepticism is notable: "I was hoping that would not be your reaction, but it doesn't change what I said. I am sorry. I will change this pattern and I would like to have your forgiveness."  He let it go. Less than a week later, she came to him, embracing him and saying, "I forgive you. Let's move forward."

 

 

Of course, as a couple you should pray for each other and for your relationship regularly, but don't hesitate to increase and intensify the prayers when there is marital discord and breakdown. The prayer should be simple and straightforward. For example: Dear God, I bring you our marriage asking you to help us both take the right steps to restore harmony and love. Give us wisdom, insight and the strength to change. Help us cease blaming and recognize our own shortcomings. Restore to us a fresh vision of our partnership. Reawaken in us the love and respect we once felt for each other. Make our hearts tender and forgiving toward one another. Amen.

 

 

"Submit to one another" is the counsel of Paul in Ephesians 5:21. That means understanding what your partner wants, needs, and then offering it. Many issues can be completely circumvented when both partners do this. For example, if he thinks you're overspending and violating the budget, rein in the spending. Or, if she thinks you're glued to the television every weekend watching sports, cut back. Similarly, if he believes you don't care about his friends, show him that you do. Or, if she doesn't feel you listen to her, then improve your listening skills. Practice surrender. Give what your partner needs. It always leads to a stronger, healthier relationship.

 

 

The Bible reminds us, "Listen... accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."  (Proverbs 19:20) There are four listening styles: removed, reactive, responsive and receptive. The first two are negative and further diminish a relationship. Those first two are often the ones employed by couples who are struggling. They are reactive because in hearing, they take issue with each point arguing and counter-arguing. In addition, their listening is often removed. They are physically present, but  emotionally detached. Couples whose marriages are satisfying practice responsive and receptive listening. They are responsive by hearing and responding appropriately to what is said. They are receptive because they maintain direct eye contact conveying sincere interest in what the other is saying. Be a couple which practices responsive, receptive listening because it brings healing into a marriage. In her book, The Weekend Marriage: Abundant Love in A Time-Starved World, couples therapist Mira Kirshenbaum writes, "Listening is one of the best ways to prevent anger. Let's say your spouse is upset about something. You could argue, try to talk her out of it, get mad yourself because she's pushed your buttons. But all this will do is turn upset into being angry. Suppose you listened. Then maybe you'd find out why she's upset. What this means to her. What she needs. If necessary, you could ask questions to get at this. Listening takes the anger out of being upset - the issues is still there but the potential damage that comes from anger has been eliminated."

 

 

Many couples have marriages which are simply too serious. This generates tension and stress. Entirely focused on career, children, civic responsibilities, the relationship becomes solemn, rigid and devoid of emotional safety valves. "Our culture places a great emphasis on working and too little emphasis on fun, joy, pleasure and play," notes Linda Marks in her book, Healing The War Between The Genders. "Pleasure is an essential ingredient to keep our spirits healthy and vital. Pleasure feels good. Laughter is a kind of medicine for the soul. Recognizing the value of play and pleasure is an important part of sustaining a deep, intimate relationship." Marks advises couples who want to bring healing to their marriage to incorporate play, fun and pleasure into their lives. One woman, married fourteen years, says: "One clear sign of our increasing closeness and trust in each other is that we feel free to be silly and funny with each other. Our playfulness is a reminder to me of how relaxed I feel with him and him with me."

 

 

Most couples who are patient and diligent can handle the majority of issues which emerge within a relationship. However, there are times when the aid of an expert such as a qualified therapist or trained pastoral counsellor is highly desirable. In his book, The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, reminds couples that "there is no shame in seeking help. It does not imply failure. You turn to plumbers, mechanics and electricians when you can't fix things on your own...There is no reason not to seek expert help when your relationship is under the weather and your can't fix it on your own."  Dr. Goulston identifies the following as signals that a couple should consider expert help:

 

Both partners need to be actively committed to chipping away at slights, misunderstandings, mistakes, offences, and ensuing hurts. Marriages can survive great betrayals, but only if both partners will work on the healing. A good case be made from the marriage of Suzy and Burton Farbman. The author of Back From Betrayal, Suzy Farbman discovered that her husband of 31 years was having an affair. In spite of the pain that created, they remained married and have improved greatly their relationship. Farbman says of their successful marital healing, "Burton and I like to think of ourselves as divorce busters. We want to be examples that it's possible... the book lets you know that you're not alone, that someone has been through this, and it wasn't easy. But you can get through it and it's worth it. It's worth the struggle."  That kind of success is only possible when you do it together. One person cannot save a marriage. It takes both of you being honest, responsive, forgiving.

 

 

When your relationship hits hard times and you're wondering what to do, the best plan may be to simply ride it out. Research from the National Survey of Families and Households reveals that two thirds of people unhappy with their marriages who stayed married were happier with the relationships five years later. The pivotal key to this transformation is patience. "Couples who managed to endure tough times found that their marital stress was brought on by an outside event or factor, such as the loss of a job. For the majority of still-married couples, the passage of time was enough to resolve the problem and dramatically ease the stress," observed Linda Waite, PhD., lead author of the study and professor of sociology at the University of Chicago. When you're on a rocky road, try reminding yourself that patience is a powerful stay-together strategy.