No Romance

DEAR FRIAR RICK: After 25 years of marriage certain doubts are beginning to assail me. I knew that marriage was no bed of roses, but I hoped that my husband would sometimes at least say to me: I love you.

Come to think of it, I have always felt a little lonely with him, even in the most intimate moments. He has always been rather bossy with me. He does not seem to realise that I am a human being with my own needs and desires as well.

I have realised that I love my husband, but only as a friend. I take care of him and he still means everything to me, but lately I have started to think of another man in his place. My question is: Am I betraying him by having these thoughts?

 

It is true that Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, challenged his hearers that if they lust after a woman in their hearts they have committed adultery (Mt 5:27). However, in your case, I wouldn’t quite be ready to jump to the same conclusion. So to answer your question; no I don’t think you are betraying your husband… yet.



You are correct in asserting that marriage is no bed of roses. But nor is it supposed to be a bed of thorns either. Marriage like any state in life, has its ups and downs, its challenges and blessings. You are also quite correct in expecting that from time to time your husband would tell you that he loves you. I assume that at some point in your courting he spelled out his feelings for you. Otherwise, how would you have known you were getting married? So perhaps over time he has stopped saying it or says it less frequently. It is true that you are married 25 years. And there was a time when I thought this was an awfully long time. But now after almost 30 years of profession as a friar and 23 years of ordination as a priest, 25 years of marriage doesn’t seem like such a long time. You are hardly old folks! I would expect, and I affirm your expectation, that your husband speaks of his love for you in word and also in deeds. Romance knows no bounds. Sure it changes with time, but it should not be totally gone.



What concerns me even more is your claim that you have always felt lonely with your husband, even in intimate moments. The sense I get from you is that you feel your husband is just not ‘into’ the intimacy and romance that you would expect in marriage. Beyond that he does not seem to be aware or care about your needs and desires. Ouch! That’s not good. In fact it seems that his lack of passion has turned your love into more of a platonic relationship. In that context the fact that you would think of someone else as a love interest is understandable, but still regrettable. It could lead to trouble.



If I may suggest, a better course of action is to make a concerted effort at rekindling your love for one another. 25 years is a wonderful opportunity for the two of you to try for a relationship ‘tune up’. The first place to start is to speak honestly with your husband about your feelings of loneliness in your marriage and of your desire to make things better. See how he responds. If you are both open to it, I think a weekend retreat program like Marriage Encounter, Cursillo or Retrouvaille would be a good opportunity. Think of it this way. Up to know what you have invested in your marriage has produced a less than optimal result. Perhaps if you introduce some new input it might make a difference.



If your husband is not interested, unable or unwilling to participate in this kind of retreat experience, I would then take it up a notch and recommend counselling. After all, it is legitimate for you to expect some level of intimacy with your spouse! 

Now, as much as it is important for you to be able to share your feelings, desires, needs, expectations and frustrations… it is also important for you to be able to take the time to truly listen to your husband. Many men are not always comfortable at expressing their feelings and so you may have to be crafty in getting him to open up. Who knows, there may be some issues or feelings that he has which has kept him distant from you, which have little to do with how he truly feels for you.