No Apron Strings

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My son has always been a good boy. He was always studious, obedient and well mannered. Recently though, he has had some difficulties in his first year of college. He does not talk to me the way he used to. His grades are suffering and he does not seem sure about his direction in life. He has always wanted to be an engineer like his father. Now, instead, he is talking of going to some country in Africa to dig wells with a religious order he has come to know. I am so frightened. I feel like I’ve lost my boy. Please help.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for a parent to watch as their child grows up and starts making their own decisions. As I’ve told my parishioners here, if I were a parent, I would probably have my child wrapped in protective bubble-wrap, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year! It really would not be good for them, but I would feel so much more secure!

Since we can probably agree that the ‘bubble-wrap’ solution is not viable, we need to look at things more calmly. So first of all, I would focus on some key ‘red flags’ that caught my attention: your son’s distancing from you, his change in grades and his lack of focus. It would also be helpful to know whether your son is living at home or has moved out to attend university.

The signs you observe can reflect many things. They can be as serious as initial signs of drug use, depression or other mental health issues. This could also be the result of some personal problems like sexuality or breaking up with a girlfriend. Finally, it could  be as harmless as your son growing up and trying to find his own way. I guess with that wide range of reasons, I haven’t made it any easier have I!

For one thing, it might be good for you simply to speak to your son about what you observe. Don’t judge or challenge, but talk about it. You may also want to ask your husband or his siblings if they notice anything different about him. I would urge you to be vigilant and to do some research on the topics I mentioned such as depression, drugs, sexuality, relationships and young adults. There are many resources available that can help you.

That being said, there are a couple of things I’ve pick up in your letter that I would like to mention. In your question, you refer twice to your university aged son as a ‘boy’. Especially poignant is your statement that you fear you’ve ‘lost’ your boy. Well perhaps you have, and perhaps it’s not entirely a bad thing. Now I don’t mean to make light of a potentially serious situation. But it may be that your son is simply growing up and is no longer your ‘boy’. He is always your child, but the boy has become a man. He is your son. Is it possible that what you perceive as distancing from you is simply his way of telling you that he needs to cut the ‘apron-strings’? It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need you anymore. It simply means that the kind of mothering he needs is different now. Have you thought of that possibility?

Another key phrase that I caught was the whole issue of his wanting to be an engineer like his father. Is it possible that he has always wanted to imitate his father, but now that he has begun engineering he does not like it? It wouldn’t be the first time. It would be very difficult for a young man to tell his father this. Your son may be afraid to hurt his father’s feelings. I’m sure your husband would be understanding if your son wanted to choose another path, no?

Speaking of choosing another path. The one thing that made me very hopeful about your description of your son is his desire to go to Africa. Contrary to depression and drug use, where the person tends to close in on themselves, your son seems to want to go into the world. As long as this is not a rash, reckless or manic kind of endeavour it might be a sign of something much more profound. Could it be that your son is simply questioning the values by which he lives his life? Maybe he is unhappy because he is struggling with a sense of his calling, or perhaps even a religious vocation? Once again, the best strategy is to pray, be supportive, keep the lines of communication wide open while giving him space to make his own way.