A New Friend

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am 37-year-old married woman with two splendid young boys. We are reasonably well off – though we do have to curtail our expenses from time to time. After my first pregnancy I decided to leave my job and become a stay-at-home mum to look after the house and the kids.

For the past few months I have formed an acquaintance with a shopkeeper. He is always gentle and caring with me, in fact his attention is almost flattering. At times we even have lunch together. We talk about our respective spouses and children (he is also married with kids of his own).

In short, I like to be with him. I do not actually feel physically attracted to him, yet I feel guilty about this friendship when I remind myself that I am a married woman. Am I falling in love with this man or is it simply a close friendship?

 

It sounds like you have in ideal life! You are a young, married, active woman, financially comfortable enough to be able to work at home raising your children. You are also responsible enough to know that you must keep your expenses in check. Finally, you have the personality and disposition to enter into friendship with others. What’s wrong with that?

Ah, but you feel something is wrong. You feel guilty. Why? Are you harkening back to the words of Blessed Pope John Paul II when he reminded us that if we even look at someone with lust, we have already committed adultery? I hope that’s not where you are going in your mind, because I really don’t think that it’s the case in this situation.

Let’s step back for a moment and look at your life objectively. You are young enough, and probably have read enough articles and seen enough films that deal with the subject of professional women who become moms and eventually find themselves terribly lonely and depressed. They go from the day-to-day hustle and bustle of their careers, talking with colleagues, working on projects and hopefully accomplishing great things to spending their entire day speaking in ‘baby-talk’ and focusing on feeding, sleeping and pooping! Now most moms would say it’s the most rewarding decision they have ever made, but yet there are the moments… when they crave contact with an adult! Does this make any sense to you? Can you relate?



It sounds like the friendship you have developed with the shopkeeper fulfils your need to adult companionship during the day. Don’t you think that you would have developed this same friendship if the shopkeeper had been a woman? Or is there more? Could it also be that you are longing for not only friendship, but longing for friendship with a man?

You know what’s really interesting about your question? I know more about the shop-keeper than I know about your husband. The shopkeeper is gentle, attentive, flattering, friendly and married with children. What about your husband? Where is he in all this? What is he like? How has your relationship with him changed? Have you grown apart a little?



One of the things that I have noticed over the years is that once a couple has children, sometimes their passion as a couple gets a little weaker. They begin to see one another as their children’s father or mother. Their entire focus becomes on caring for their children; even the language between them changes. Where once the wife would refer to only to her ‘baby’, ‘pumpkin’ or ‘sweetheart’, those cute names are shared with the baby! Sometimes husbands unknowingly become a little jealous. If the couple does not take time to invest in their relationship as lovers they can end up becoming parents who simply happen to live together.



So what should you do? Well, first of all celebrate and give thanks to God for the wonderful friendship you have found in the shopkeeper. Don’t run away from it. However, make sure it does not become the only relationship that feeds you emotionally. Invest time and effort in other friendships as well. Have you any women friends that you can reconnect with? I don’t know how old your children are, but do you think that this might be the time for getting a part-time job outside the home? It might be helpful to get some adult interaction! Finally, I would suggest you make it a priority to start dating again! Start dating your husband. You and he, alone, this Friday night. Make it happen!