Money Wars

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My wife and I often squabble over money. Things have got to the point that my wife has suggested splitting our bank account into two separate accounts, one for her and one for me, but drawing equal amounts from each to cover common expenses.



She claims that I’m always harassing her not to spend more, and that she is a wage earner herself, and thus has the right to spend as she pleases.



Apart from the fact that bank accounts are expensive, I also believe that in a good Catholic marriage everything should be held in common, and that money should be spent according to necessities. Moreover, this would set a bad example to our children.



What do you think, Friar Rick?





The Money Wars? When I first read this I thought you were writing about the history of the Franciscans! Yes, money can be a very divisive issue both for couples and friars. St Francis of Assisi, who came from the emerging ‘middle class’ in Assisi, left his parents’ wealth behind to embrace a life without anything of his own… except, well, the deed to Mount La Verna was left to him. Francis also ordered the friars never to leave the little Chapel at Our Lady of the Angels. Is this attachment to ‘places’ a contradiction of his desire to live without anything of his own? Yes and no. It’s important to remember that St Francis was from what we now call Italy. In other words he came from a culture a little prone to drama! Everything is done to extreme. However, exceptions are a normal and accepted reality of life. Francis told the friars not to wear shoes… unless they needed to. In other words, Francis’ family background, his culture and his personal experience shaped his understand and use of money. The same is true for you and me.



Every person who enters into a marriage brings with them a lot of baggage… a history of family experience! This shapes our ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’ about marriage and money. The failure to recognize this and work through it makes money issues one of the most important reasons for marriage difficulties.



Our Catholic understanding of matrimony is that through your vows and the sacrament you enter into a communio or communion of life. You become one. This does not mean that you cease to be individuals. But it does mean that you are committed to living a sacramental union. However, that being said, there is no ‘one’ or ‘correct’ way of doing this. Whatever your arrangement is, it should assist you in the building of that communio. Personally I think it makes sense to have some separate accounts and also some joint accounts. How else will she surprise you with wonderful birthday gifts!



The way you shape your accounts and use of money will reflect what you believe about marriage. I remember one couple I counselled who had completely separate bank accounts and nothing in common. The split every bill that came into the house 50/50. This did not seem like a marriage to me. It sounded more like roommates!



Ultimately you will need to look at the underlying issues that are expressed by your money wars. What does your wife mean when she says she feels harassed by you? For many women, some financial independence is essential in order to really experience the ‘equality’ of Christian marriage. When you speak of focusing your money on ‘necessities’ what does that mean? Some couples I know live rather simply, without extravagance so that they can invest in travelling and seeing the world. Others never leave the country and instead transform their home into a palace. Some pay for their children to go to the best private schools while others instead take their children through the halls of the National Gallery of Victoria in Melbourne or to experience the Great Ocean Road.



The best recommendation that I can make is for you two to talk. Don’t talk at each other but with each other. I would focus on telling each other the stories of your childhood. What was it like to grow up in your home? What kind of values did your parents pass on to you? How did you celebrate the holidays, birthdays? Listen carefully and learn from each other about the underlying values expressed in the ways of dealing with finances. This respectful and compassionate listening will hopefully open your hearts and minds to building a common vision about money that respects your individuality and also builds the communio of marriage.