Love Beyond Flaws

DEAR Mr. Pfister, my spouse and I have been married for eight years. I’ve started to notice more and more over the years things that she does that bother or annoy me. For example, she tends to leave her dirty dishes in the sink or she asks questions while we’re watching a movie that keeps me from being able to pay attention to the movie. They may seem like small things, but they have really added up over the years. As a result, I’ve found myself becoming more easily upset with her, that my perspective on her has become less optimistic, and that I am overall less happy in the marriage. How to I deal with her annoying behaviors and habits in a healthy way? How do I get that positive perspective of her back and return to a place of happiness in my marriage?

Many of us can relate to your experience in one way or another: we’ve all had someone in our life, be it a family member, coworker, classmate, or acquaintance who has driven us crazy by their behavior. They have a particular idiosyncrasy that drives us up the wall, and over time this affects our view of them. I commend you on wanting to correct this in your own life before it becomes more detrimental to your marriage. The question is, how do I go about doing so? The answer is actually in the problem itself: the problem is that our perspective has changed, and so we must work to change it back.

When someone bothers us, we tend to look at this particular nuisance as a character flaw the other person has – which it might rightly be – that frustrates us. Over time, we begin to see their behavior not just as a character flaw, but as a defining aspect of their personality – we start to associate the person, rather than the particular behavior(s) they engage in, as being a nuisance.

As a result, we often spend significant effort trying to change the other person, whether by pointing out their flaw or silently complaining. This approach will inevitably lead us to unhappiness because we quickly learn it has little to no effect, and therefore the problem will likely continue.  

The solution lies in changing our perspective: rather than viewing the behavior as a nuisance, we can view it as an opportunity to grow in virtue. The virtue of meekness is the virtue by which we moderate our frustrations. When I become angry or bothered by others, it is a sign that I have not mastered meekness. When my spouse’s behavior frustrates me, I can choose to see this as an opportunity allowed by God to grow in virtue, rather than a meaningless suffering I have to endure. I can choose to embrace the suffering in imitation of Our Lord and therefore grow in both grace and virtue.

I can also use it as an opportunity to pray for my spouse, to ask God to give them the grace to see the fault – if it truly is one – and to overcome it. Without grace, they’re unlikely to see the fault, much less overcome it. My seeing the fault is an opportunity, not to nag them about it, but to obtain the grace for them to overcome it. God allows us to see the faults of our spouse not to cause pointless suffering, but to help us become saints – and to help our spouse to become a saint as well.