A Loud Slap

DEAR FRIAR RICK: A few days ago I reacted rather sternly to the continuous attacks of my 8-year-old son against his smaller sister, and to his lack of respect for us, his parents, by giving him a loud slap in the face.



At that moment my reaction came out spontaneously, but after a few days I started questioning the wisdom of the act, and felt a prick of conscience.



In your opinion, is it always wrong to punish our children physically or are such measures appropriate in special cases and circumstances?





I am not a parent, and so I tread very carefully into this discussion. I do so with great respect for those of you who have been gifted with the awesome and terrifying gift of parenthood.



You are truly ‘gifted’ because each child is a gift of God. I think of the numerous couples I know, in my parish alone, who are amazing people and who have not had the opportunity to have children. For many of them this is a heavy cross to bear. Others have remained positive and open and have found marvellous and creative ways to parent in our community. It takes a village to raise a child; and not all those who help raise them need to have children of their own. You are very blessed.



Parenting is not for the ‘faint of heart’! It is both awesome and terrifying. You carry in your arms a small human being that is most often, flesh of your flesh. You have such love for this little person. At the same time you come to realize how vulnerable the child is in your hands. You have such power to shape this person’s destiny… for good or ill. Some days I wonder how parents can stand the responsibility.



Let’s turn now to your specific situation and question. You slapped the child and now you regret it. The first thing I would say is that if you are ever going to discipline your child physically, it should never be in the face or head… and only a gentle slap on the bum. Trust me, a gentle slap is enough. The desired effect on your child comes not from the pain you inflict, but by the emotional trauma of being hit.



That being said, I’m not sure there is ever a ‘need’ to hit a child. The need is much more about your pent up anger and frustration that you feel the need to release. You probably should consider learning how to express your anger in other ways. Part of the responsibility of ‘parenting’ is to remain in control of yourself and learn how to move your child in the right direction without violence. With my own eyes I have seen parents correct their children without threats, without screaming and without violence. It works.



The key to effective parenting is to have clearly communicated expectations to your child, to communicate clear consequences for your child’s actions… and most importantly to consistently and immediately enforce those expectations and consequences. Many parents use ‘time out’ types of methods where a child is stopped in his or her tracks and removed from the situation where their behaviour is inappropriate. They are made to take a ‘time out’ by sitting in the corner or in their room. Time outs are not meant to get the child ‘out of your hair’ for a while. Your presence and focused effort in the time out process are essential. This is quite time consuming at first. In time though, once you have laid the ground rules, it becomes easier.



This approach will at first cause as many tears as any tap on the bum. Be prepared it’s not always going to be pretty. Giving a child a ‘time out’ in the corner or in their room takes nerves of steel… but it is effective and in the long-term will give you the best results both for yourself and your child.



The second part of this non-violent approach to parenting is absolutely essential, but also so often forgotten; spend time with your child and give your child attention when he or she is behaving well. When your son is quiet and playing well with his sister, that’s the time for you to step in, praise him, affirm his good behaviour and show him plenty of love and affection.



Finally, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. All you need to be is good enough.