Lonely Woman

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a 50- year-old woman who has suddenly discovered she’s more or less friendless. How did I come to find myself in this situation?

 As a teenager I had plenty of friends from my local high school and then College. University life led to dating, and dating then led to marriage and children. My former husband is a Catholic, and we married early and brought up 3 healthy children.

In the last 5 years, however, my life has changed drastically. My children, now grown up, have all left home, and my husband has left me for another woman. Now, after having dedicated all my time to my husband and raising my children, and thus restricting my social circles to meet their needs, I find myself abandoned and alone.

 I have many acquaintances, but none that I can call real friends, not even at church. Those real friends I had as a young woman are all living far away in another city, because in the process I followed my husband to his home town.

 I feel lonely, what do you suggest, Fr. Rick?

 

Oh dear, welcome to my life! We should hang out together and drink our sorrows away! Just kidding… well maybe just a bit. It’s funny that what you describe is a reality with which I and many of my brothers in the friary have struggled. Most people form friendships over a lifetime. When we move or our circumstances change, and we have to start over again, it can be a challenge to make friends. This happens to the friars as we move from one part of the country to another and have to ‘reboot’ all of our day-to-day relationships. This is often the case for people who have been through a divorce. Most of your friendships may have been ‘couples-based’, and you find yourself out of the social network. This is very normal.



An important factor of this situation, that it might be good to acknowledge, is that part of your lack of relationships may be due to your putting up blocks to friendship. Often when we have been hurt by past relationships we feel vulnerable, and we protect ourselves from feeling close or the possibility of getting hurt. Could that be a teeny weeny little bit of what’s happened with you? Maybe? So what can you do?

First of all it might be good to ask some of your acquaintances what it is like to be in your presence. Do you tend to dwell on the topic of your betrayal and divorce all the time? Could you be unconsciously walking around with a grey cloud over your head? That might be a factor in keeping people from getting too close to you. If so you may need to meet with a counselor or spiritual director to work through some of your feelings around the loss of your marriage. It’s important that you have a safe place in which to vent so that you are not dumping all of that onto your prospective friends.

Where are your children in all of this? Do they come and visit? Do you visit them at all? Those are some of the closest relationships you can have. Perhaps they are not ideal right now. But you can nurture them back to life by making them more mutual. Once again, when you are with them is it all about you? Or, is it never about you… do you never really reveal yourself, your feelings to those around you?



Here’s something else that has worked for me in the past: don’t say no. Sometimes when I feel a little blue I compound the situation by isolating myself. People invite me to go to a movie, for a hike or just coffee. And I usually end up saying “No.” I’ve got work to do, or need to clean my room. There’s always a reason to say “No.” So instead, unless the invitation is illegal or immoral, I don’t say “No.” I force myself to say “Yes.” You may want to consider doing the same. 99 percent of the solution to your problem will be your attitude. Open yourself to friendship again and it will come.