A Lifetime of Love

WRITING to an advice columnist, a distraught new bride laments “My husband is a football fanatic. He watches football on Monday nights, Thursday nights and all day Sundays. He also belongs to two football leagues, one of which he runs. Leagues mean a draft party, weekly mailings, daily phone calls, faxes and computer entry time. Those activities, along with a tri-monthly night out with the boys and miscellaneous sports events, leave very little time left for us. We are newlyweds, and this is not what I expected from a husband. He doesn’t see this as a problem and believes that it is I who makes this a problem.”

One of the key objectives for premarital counseling is to help couples identify potential problems before they escalate, producing anger and disillusionment. “In our society we tend to spend more time getting ready for the wedding than preparation for the marriage,” notes Gary R. Collins, PhD, a clinical psychologist, author and professor at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School in Deerfield, IL. “As a result many beautiful wedding days are followed by years of misery or, at best, minimal happiness.” Because of that reality, an increasing number of clergy from all denominations are requiring premarital counseling sessions before the wedding takes place. These sessions can be informal discussions of two or three meetings or more tightly structured classes which meet weekly for a longer period of time. Yet, many couples are hesitant or resistant to participating in premarital counseling. If that includes you, here are some benefits of taking premarital sessions. 

Biblical-theological perspective 
 

Premarital counseling provides clergy and spiritual leaders which a unique opportunity to educate couples about the theological meaning of marriage, and to establish a spiritual foundation for their bond. Such a session will stress the permanence of marriage, fidelity to vows, profound commitment to each other in good times as well as in bad times. Scripture to be cited and explained could include: 1 Corinthians - stressing the priority of love; Micah 6:8, Proverbs 22:4, Luke 22:26, John 13:5 – all texts stressing the importance of humility in our relationships; Genesis 2:24, John 17:21-22 – emphasizing the goal of oneness in marriage; Genesis 29:18ff, Ephesians 5:25, 1 Peter 3:7 – emphasizing sacrificial, self-giving love.

Examine expectations
 

Aaron Rutledge, author of Premarital Counseling, notes that couples have extremely high expectations for marriage. He says couples expect marriage to provide self-development and fulfilment, mutual expressions of affection; satisfaction of sexual needs, sharing of child-rearing as well as shared interest in friends, recreation, worship and creative work. In the history of the human race, Rutledge writes, never have “so many expected so much from marriage and family life.” Thus, premarital sessions can help couples better examine and understand expectations. Rabbi Julie Gordon of St. Paul, MN, requires couples to participate in at least three premarital sessions. During those times, Gordon tries to get couples to articulate to each other which issues they feel are extremely important in marriage. “Often, they have talked about these issues,” she explains. “But it’s good for them to do it in front of a third person. Sometimes they have to listen more carefully. Sometimes they may say it a little bit more honestly.”

Healthy communication styles
 

Premarital counseling classes inevitably emphasize the importance of communication between couples. In such a session there is often a review of basic listening skills, appropriate ways of responding to what has been heard, and information provided about healthy ways of communicating. Lisa, who was married four years ago to Brian, says the premarital session on communication was extremely helpful for them as a couple. “One of the most useful tips we received from the minister was to set aside at least 20 minutes for an ‘end-of-day review’ with your spouse. The minister advised us to do that no matter how busy we became. Those 20 minute sessions have proven to be clarifying and bonding in our relationship. We ask each other such very simple questions as: What was the best part of your day? Did anything funny, bad, joyful, etc. happen today. The 20 minutes allows us to better understand and feel what the other has experienced. It brings us much closer together.”

Conflict management
 

Premarital facilitators help partners better handle current conflicts as well as educating about ways to manage future conflicts productively. Clergy would agree and be guided by this observation on conflict management by Jerry M. Lewis, MD, senior research psychiatrist at the Timberlawn Psychiatric Research Foundation, Dallas, TX, “Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship. But in marriage, many couples use the bond as an excuse to drop civility, courtesy and respect when disagreeing. Inevitably, such raw behaviour damages the relationship and all-important intimacy.” Dr. Lewis says that disagreements do not signal lack of love between a couple. In fact, conflict is often the sign of a deep connection and a desire to help a spouse function for his or her own good or for the health of their relationship. “The key is to treat conflict not as an excuse to establish who’s right and who’s wrong, but as an opportunity to understand each other’s subjective reality – only then can intimacy survive and flourish,” he adds.

Clarify roles and responsibilities
 

In his book, Premarital Counseling Handbook for Ministers, Theodore K. Pitt, D. Min., notes, “Today both men and women are engaging in extensive role learning as they approach marriage. As women develop vocational expectations, they bring to marriage an accompanying expectation that their husbands will be full partners in the home, sharing housekeeping and child-rearing responsibilities. Men, on the other hand, are re-evaluating their concepts of the roles that both men and women fill in the home.”

Consequently he advises clergy to aggressively discuss roles and responsibilities after marriage. That discussion should review these roles and responsibilities:

·                        How household chores will be divided

·                        Income sources - will both spouses work?

·                        Decisions regarding having children

·                        Parenting responsibilities for the father and the mother

·                        Discipline styles

·                        Values desired for children

·                        Relationships with others including parents, relatives, friends;

·                        Social obligations

Study financial management

“Although both my fiancé and I were college graduates well established in our careers, we found the information about finances to be very useful for us,” recalls Katherine, married to Gus two years earlier. “The pastor used one of our six premarital sessions to go over financial management which included sources of income, budgeting, checkbook control, disposition or retention of assets acquired prior to our marriage, division and use of discretionary income.” Clergy focus on issues of financial management because they know that money is a major cause of conflict for many couples. In fact, a survey of 2000 men and women by Roper Starch Worldwide confirms that money – more than sex, children or in-laws – is the most common source of conflict for married couples.

Analyze compatibility quotient

In premarital counseling couples will be given an opportunity to determine if they are truly compatible. Clergy will be on the look out for red-flag situations which may need special scrutiny and discussion. Those red-flag situations include:

·                        Drug or alcohol involvement

·                        Emotional problems or mental instability

·                        Lack of financial resources

·                        Contrasting cultural backgrounds or religious beliefs

·                        Wide gaps in education

·                        Knowing each other for a short time

“Couples may not see these as obstacles to a good marriage, and for some these differences can and will be overcome,” notes psychologist Gary Collins, PhD. “The counsellor, however, needs to urge caution and thorough discussion of issues such as these before the couple moves ahead with marriage. In this way a lot of potential misery may be avoided.”

Bond with the minister
 

Rather than simply preside over a rehearsal and wedding, many clergy feel it is important to establish a bond with the engaged couple which will endure beyond the wedding day. Rev. William H. Edwards, a Presbyterian minister in Smithtown, NY, says that premarital counseling sessions allow him to establish a relationship with a couple “so they can feel comfortable enough to come back and talk with me if problems develop later.”

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Although some couples harbour ambivalent feelings about the prospect of premarital counseling, those who have been through premarital programs and sessions usually speak positively about the process. “It made a lot of things about our relationship clear to us. We learned some very effective ways to communicate,” says one woman who participated in premarital counseling with her fiancé. “We definitely avoid a lot of fights now, because we really try to understand where we’re each coming from.