Kissing Cousins

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My father has just come out of a long-standing feud with Sally, his younger sister. So for the first time in my life, as a young man of 23, I was able to meet my Aunt Sally, and her children, Mark and Alice, my delightful cousins.



We really get along with them, and we have started to visit them often, and vice-versa.



I have found, however, that my relationship with Alice is not just that of mutual friendship. We are both beginning to feel something for each other. We know that many would not approve of our getting married. Would you, for example, as a parish priest countenance celebrating what would amount to as an incestuous marriage?





As a parish priest I would follow what the Church directs in this matter; in some cases permission may be granted for cousins to marry, but it is discouraged. So, it would be a question of showing to the local bishop why it is appropriate for you to marry and getting a dispensation.



The primary objection to the marriage of cousins, both by the Church and civil authorities, is that it may lead to genetic problems with children born of such a marriage. This is not so much a question of actual ‘birth defects’, but rather inheriting recessive genes that can cause problems. According to one study by Dr Alison Shaw of Oxford’s Public Health Department, the risk in unrelated couples of any kind of congenital or genetic problem is 2-3 percent. In first cousins the risk doubles to 4-6 percent. That means that there is a 94-96 percent chance of having a perfectly healthy child. Then again, we are not talking about winning the lottery, but rather about a child’s life! The Church has a lot of experience with marriage… so if the Church is cautious, I would encourage caution before proceeding.



You mention that you and Alice “are beginning to feel something for each other.” What is that something? It’s worth taking a closer look. You meet some of your family from whom you have been estranged from birth and you feel something. I’m not too sure what your own relationship with your father is like, but sometimes we unconsciously react in an opposite manner to our parents. If dad says blue, I say red. If mom likes sweet I like savoury! My father doesn’t like your family, but I will!



How big is your father’s family? Does he have many siblings? In our Franciscan Order we have many brothers, and we get to meet friars from all over the world. When friars get together, even if they don’t know each other, there is usually an instant bond of brotherhood. It’s really quite amazing. I think we have this reaction because we are usually so open to experiencing the fraternity of our community and delight in meeting others who share our vision and passion in life. Is it possible then, that the sense of intimacy, connection or even affection you feel for Alice may be simply the warmth and bond of family love? I’m not trying to belittle your feelings for Alice in any way, but the source of your feelings may be different than what you imagine. Whatever you do, don’t rush!



Your father’s relationship with his sister Sally is something else that you may want to reflect upon and learn about. What was this long-lasting feud between them? Is it a mutual feud? It might be worth talking, gently, to both of them about this. Has your relationship with Alice drawn others closer together as well?



Take some time to find out more about your family and the emotional relationships between its members. One way you can do this is by producing a specialized ‘family tree’ called a genogram. Search the Internet and you will find free genogram software that will help you do this. It’s a great way to get your family talking, and will probably help you discern your next step.