Hot Letters

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My mother passed away a few months ago at the age of 56. While going through her personal effects I came across some letters which our parish priest had written to her. The tone of the letters is unmistakably romantic, and they contain words and expressions a parish priest should never use to address his female parishioners. Here are some extracts: “Dear heart of mine”; “My dream come true,” and then this sentence, “I know that the love I feel for you is something greater and nobler than mere sexual intimacy, even though this latter component has indeed played a part in our relationship”. I was deeply shaken by these revelations, but I have decided to keep this from my father so as not to aggravate his bereavement with feelings of hurt. My intention, however, is to confront our priest and demand an explanation. Is this advisable, Friar Rick?



Let me begin by offering my sincere condolences. Fifty-six is a very young age to die. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel. Such a tragic loss for you and your father. Living through grief is, for many people, like riding a roller-coaster. People often experience tremendous sadness followed by moments of peace and even laughter only to find themselves brought back by an image, smell or memory back into pain. Be gentle with yourself and with everyone involved. This is a difficult time for all of you.

Your letter doesn’t say whether your mother was ill for a while or died suddenly. Did she have time to prepare for her death? Did she have time to tidy things up? I remember the challenging task of emptying out my grandfather’s apartment after he died. It was not the most pleasant thing to do. Going through your mother’s things must also be very difficult. This brings us to the letters.

When you are going through a person’s private belongings, and especially one’s letters... you are faced with a choice. A letter is a private correspondence between two people. It is private. The fact that your mother kept the letters probably means that those letters were also significant. To open private letters and read them means that you are accepting the responsibility of living with what is contained.

The content of the letters is rather shocking. But at the same time I would also exercise great caution and avoid jumping to conclusions. First of all it would be helpful to know the date of the letters as well as the priest’s age. Are they roughly the same age? How long have they known each other? Are they childhood friends? I am asking this question to first eliminate any criminal activity. Is it possible from what you can see that the “sexual intimacy” referred to by the priest occurred when your mother was a minor and the priest an adult? If you seriously believe that this is a case of the abuse of a young person, I would suggest you call the police immediately. An abusing person does not usually stop after one victim. In such a situation you would owe it to your mother and to other young persons to intervene.

Abuse being eliminated as a possibility, is it possible that your mother and this priest knew one another before he was a priest and before your mother was married? People’s lives are complex and sometimes it’s difficult for sons and daughters to accept that their parents are fully human too! Then again it may be that this relationship came later in time. It may be that your mother or the priest or both were unfaithful to their life commitments. That happens sometimes. That’s what the Sacrament of Reconciliation is about. When you peer into someone’s private life, into what the Church speaks of as the ‘internal forum’ you are breaching their privacy. You really are not meant to be there. And really, in that case, unless there is criminal activity, I think you have to respect your mother’s privacy and that of the priest.

You have just experienced a tremendous loss and your feelings are probably all over the place. Unless you suspect that criminal activity was involved in the relationship, I would suggest that you put those letters aside for a while. Give yourself time to grieve. Come back to them in six months and then reflect on what you need to do.