Helping a Depressed Friend

ALTHOUGH everything in life seemed right, there was, nevertheless, something very wrong for Jamie. Upon graduation from college, she’d been hired into her ‘dream job’ as a media advisor for a professional association. She had a good salary, exceptional work colleagues, a large circle of friends and a supportive family. “Still, I felt so miserable,” she recalls. At night, Jamie had trouble sleeping. Her appetite and energy evaporated. Activities she used to enjoy, such as her daily morning jog, felt like an impossible task.

After this had gone on for nearly a month, one of Jamie’s friends intervened, saying, “I’m worried about you. You just don’t seem yourself”. When Jamie confided how lethargic and unmotivated she was feeling, and that she had thoughts of suicide, her friend urged Jamie to see a psychologist. Her counsellor listened carefully and diagnosed depression. He recommended counselling therapy combined with medication. As is typical for many people who suffer from depression, Jamie’s treatment was effective. Four years later she has never experienced another similar bout of depression.

The fact is that depression can be immobilizing and all consuming. Even people in the Bible experienced this kind of depression. The writer of Psalm 88 lamented, “I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief … why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?” (Psalm 88: 8-14) A depression left untreated can become fatal. Friends who know enough about depression can save a life. Ralph Waldo Emerson wisely noted, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Here are some ways to help someone you love who is depressed.

Educate yourself

Don’t make assumptions about mental illness and depression. Visit a library or bookstore to carefully select materials which will inform you and guide you to be a better ally for a depressed friend. By reading books and magazine articles you will have a clearer understanding about the pathways depression takes, which treatments – both psychological and pharmaceutical – are helpful, the side effects of medications as well as many other complexities of depression. The information you glean will empower you to give the appropriate support. It will also reduce your own feelings of helplessness.

Maintain an observer’s mind

Many people react emotionally when a depressed friends is venting. When they state, “No one cares,” a friend may snap back, “I do!” The best way to help a depressed friend lies in being a detached, objective observer. Avoid getting into an argument, avoid raising your voice, avoid sarcasm, avoid criticism, avoid contradicting your depressed friend. Doing those things are all indications that you may be overly emotionally invested. In their book, What To Do When Someone you Love Is Depressed, authors Mitch Golant, PhD, and Susan K. Golant, explain, “The purpose of using the observer’s mind is to avoid personalizing what your loved one is saying so that you are not drawn into an argument that neither of you wants… When you are in the observer’s mind, your goal is to recognize what your loved one is feeling without reacting personally.” When you remain an observer, your responses are emotionally detached but supportive. For example, if a depressed person says “No one cares,” the response of one with an observer’s mind would be: “I know it feels that way to you right now, but I care and we’ll get through this together.”

Foster religious faith

More and more professionals are recognizing the healing value of religious faith. When we are feeling alone, depressed, despairing and even hopeless, a link with a spiritual community can generate new feelings of hope, acceptance and love. It can be extremely helpful to encourage a depressed friend to tap into the spiritual. “God is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows. This is our hope for becoming better men and women,” said Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In their book Getting Your Life Back: The Complete Guide to Recovery From Depression, authors Jesse H. Wright, MD, and Monica Ramirez Basco, PhD, say the sense of belonging to a faith group “can reassure you in times of trouble. If you make an effort to get to know those with whom you attend services, you can become a type of family, giving and taking support from the larger group.” They point out to those who struggle with depression that “the constancy of practices and traditions of your worship group can be reassuring in a world where things change all the time. The rituals you may have complained about as a child can give you a sense of belonging as an adult. When the choir sings a traditional hymn, when prayers are chanted, or when you see the icons of your religion displayed as they have been for centuries, you may feel reassured that God and your community of fellow-believers are still at your side.”  

Avoid hurtful expressions

Too often family members and friends respond to a depressed person out of their own fear, frustration, defensiveness and denial. The words they use in response serve only to add injury and hurt. Here are some things not to say: 

                   Snap out of it!

                   You’ll be fine in no time.

                   Try to be look on the positive side.

                   You need to try harder.

                   It’s not that bad!

                    Things could be a lot worse.

                   There’s light at the end of the tunnel.

                   Things are going to get better.

                   This too will pass.

                   You just need to get some perspective.

The problem with such statements is that they do not acknowledge the depressed person’s feelings and pain. Many of the sentences are careless dismissals of a deep, lingering hurt.

Use helpful words

A more affirming approach is to share your concern, express your desire to help and convey your willingness to listen in an accepting way. Here are sentences which communicate both empathy and acceptance of a persons battling depression:

I can’t fix this but I will be here so you don’t have to go through

this alone.

I’m not sure how to help you; tell me what I can say or do.

I know I can’t possibly understand how hard this is, but I want to listen, be supportive, and help in any way I can.

It’s hard for me to understand because I haven’t had your experience, but

I know you, respect you and want to be with you.

Call on me whenever you need. Tell me what to do. I’ll be with you in this for as long as it takes.

Motivate your friend

Depression shrinks life. People who are depressed tend to withdraw more and more from family and friends as well as from activities they previously enjoyed. Suggest ways your friend can strengthen herself physically, mentally, emotionally and socially. Recommend an exercise program and, if necessary, offer to participate with her. Invite a depressed person to go for walks, outings to movies, concerts or sports events. Encourage participation in activities which once gave her pleasure such as hobbies, cultural activities, creative endeavours.

Encourage professional treatment

If your supportive words and actions fail to penetrate your friend’s depression, then it is vital that you help him or her to seek professional treatment. Consider the experience of one couple. Mark, who was a college swim coach, learned his program was being terminated, and that the school could no longer offer him employment. Although he received several months pay after the school year ended, Mark became severely depressed as he focused on the unhappy events in his life. Fran, his wife, was alarmed to see her husband’s mood deteriorate. When he stopped shaving, stayed in his pyjamas and spent most of his days in bed watching television, she said, “Mark, I’m really worried about you. I’ve never seen you like this. You seem quite depressed. I think we ought to call our doctor and have her evaluate you to determine what’s going on.” Mark protested initially, but Fran insisted and Mark agreed. She made the appointment, went with her husband who was diagnosed with depression. A combination of counseling and medication proved effective in a short time. Mark’s experience with professional treatment is not an unusual one. In the vast majority of cases, treatment for depression works. Doctors estimate that up to 90 percent of people with depressive issues will respond to treatment.

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Ultimately, the depressed person must take charge of depression in order to have a successful recovery. It is important for you, as a friend, to recognize there is a limit to how much you can help. Your depressed friend must take responsibility for learning more about depression, for actively participating in fighting depression and in acknowledging the depth of the issue. However, your friendship is critical to recovery because you can provide the encouragement, hope and perspective a person needs to effectively deal with depression.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS
The most consistent sign of major depression is change. Here are nine of the most common changes people experience when depression strikes. No one single factor is an indicator of major depression, but a combination of these which continues for several weeks at a time should be viewed as an episode of major depression.

·        Change in mood. The person has gone from being optimistic to pessimistic, and is feeling moody, tearful, irritable.

·        Change of pleasure. The person no longer participates in previously enjoyable activities and exhibits little, if any, pleasure   in life.

·        Change in appetite. The person either eats a lot more and gains weight or begins to eat less and less, losing a significant amount of weight.

·        Change in sleeping patterns. The person either cannot sleep at night or, conversely, sleeps much more than usual. Either way, the individual is constantly tired.

·        Change in energy. The person exhibits excessive tiredness, fatigue and lack of energy to do routine tasks. On the other hand, some individuals become hyper-active, agitated, restless, going without sleep for extended periods of time.

·        Change of self-perception. The person takes on a persistent sense of worthlessness, guilt, inadequacy about him or herself.

·        Change of sexuality. The person experiences sexual difficulty or a loss of interest in sexual activity.

·        Change in thinking. The person has a major lack of concentration, forgetfulness, indecisiveness.

·        Change of hope. The person no longer sees a personal future of promise, but is filled with thoughts of hopelessness, fear and even harbours a death wish.