Held by Sect

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My daughter Jo quite suddenly and inexplicably left us and her boyfriend, Richard, to live in a sort of hippy community located in a remote part of the United States. This community, where they practice yoga and meditation, is economically self-sufficient.

My husband and I, along with Richard, went to see Jo as soon as we were able to find out where she was staying. The people in this commune were all very kind to us, but they made it clear that it was better for us to leave Jo alone, and that we should interrupt all communication with her, at least for the time being.

When we met her, we felt as though we were talking to a stranger. She told us that she had turned her back on her former life forever, and that included us, her parents, and her former boyfriend, Richard.

We feel as though our daughter has been torn away from us, and are quite desperate to have her back. What can we do, Friar Rick?

 

What heart wrenching turn of events! This sounds like something from the 1970s when cults were much more in the news. But before we jump to conclusions let’s look at what you present.

First of all you say she left ‘suddenly and inexplicably’. Well, perhaps to you, but I bet it wasn’t a surprise to her. How did she hear about this community which she joined? Did she speak about it to anyone? Did any of her friends know about this intention of hers? I would be interested in finding out about this, and why it is that Jo did not feel she could share this information with you. I am especially concerned that, apparently, she did not share this with her boyfriend. Holding back information on your family is, to some degree, understandable. Families are usually seen as relating to one’s present and past relationship. In contrast, a boyfriend is all about the future, about building a life together into the future. The fact that Jo would not tell her boyfriend is of concern. So, all this is to say that it might be good to talk to Richard and her other friends. In fact, I think it would be a good idea to hire a private investigator to help you with this.



Let’s now look into your visit with your daughter. It’s great that you were able to go there and that you were given a friendly welcome. It’s not unusual for someone entering into a spiritual program to need some time of distance and quiet. When I was a novice we could not visit our families or make phone calls for the first few months. We were able to write though. In time we could have guests and start some limited phone calls. Of course, in exceptional circumstances it was possible to leave. In my case I attended my sister’s wedding during my novitiate year. It was not a problem. The idea of this ‘seclusion’ is to allow the person to be free from distraction and so be able to enter into the spirituality being proposed.



In my case the spirituality was Franciscan and within the Roman Catholic Church. That’s pretty mainstream. In other cases the spirituality is either not as well known or perhaps not that healthy. So how do you know where your daughter’s community fits in? Well I remember taking a course with Sr. Annice Callahan, RSCJ, and I remember she had a list of key indicators of a healthy spirituality. One of them was whether the spirituality could tolerate self-criticism. Are the members encouraged to think critically? I would probably add things like the presence of humour and the presence of basic charity. Let me give you an example. Saint Francis of Assisi was known for his intense fasting and prayer. Francis also expected the same of the other friars. There’s a story that one night the friars were asleep in a small hut after a day of work and fasting. One of the young novices was heard crying in his sleep because of his hunger. Francis heard this, had pity on the young friar, and then proceeded to wake all the friars and made them eat. This he did so that the young novice could eat without being embarrassed. This says that Francis put people and love of people ahead of rules or ideals.



Finally, I would suggest that you gently continue to stay in touch with your daughter in a respectful manner. The most important thing is to stay connected and allow her to know there is life outside for her if she wishes it. That being said, I would certainly also enlist the help of a private investigator.