Grey Area

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My daughter-in-law left my son a long time ago. Now he lives with another woman and they are planning on getting married. He has always gone to church and to communion. Recently he invited the parish priest to come visit him, and of course the priest met his girlfriend.



The next time my son was at Mass and went up to the altar for communion, the priest refused to give it to him. This was terribly embarrassing for us and caused quite a commotion. Our parish is small and everyone knows everyone else’s business. I want to know if the priest’s action was right. I tend to think that it is God’s job to judge not the priests. There are so many people who go to communion who probably shouldn’t. Is the priest going to start telling them also to stay away? I am sick with worry for my son’s faith.



I can’t imagine how worried you must be and what a painful experience this has been for you all. What you describe is a very delicate situation, and quite often the subject of much debate, at least here in the United States. Let me begin by saying that there is a lot of ‘grey’ area in this matter. The ‘grey’ does not refer to the Church’s teaching, but rather to how this teaching may be put in a pastorally sensitive way.



Let’s start with the most difficult reality being faced in this situation; a broken marriage. Your son’s marriage seems to have failed. His wife left him a long time ago. It sometimes happens that although a couple tries hard they do not seem to be able to live together. This is often a very painful situation. The Church is keenly aware of this pain and does not judge someone who has chosen not to live with his or her spouse or even to seek a divorce. A divorced person is certainly free to share in communion as much as any other Catholic. 



The more challenging situations emerge when a divorced person either remarries outside the Church or enters into a long-term ‘common-law’ relationship. This is inconsistent with the initial marriage vows. By entering into a second relationship the person places himself or herself in an irregular situation with regards to their communion with the rest of their brothers and sisters in the Church. Like with anyone whose  relationship to the rest of the Body of Christ is broken, they need to work at resolving the issue prior to sharing in communion, which is a sign of our unity. In other words the priest was correct in his assessment that your son should not be coming for communion at Mass.



This is true not just about people in irregular marriage situations, but also with any of us when our choices set us apart from God and from our sisters and brothers. This is certainly true of issues besides those which are most controversial like remarriage after divorce. If a person is notoriously unethical in her or his business practices or participates in abusive behaviour of their spouse they would have to carefully think of whether they have cut themselves off from the Body of Christ.



This brings me to the ‘grey’ area. While the priest is correct in his understanding of the situation, I feel he was wrong in the way he handled it. I don’t believe the Mass itself is the time to embarrass people. I realize that this topic is quite sensitive, especially in the United States where bishops have challenged pro-abortion politicians in their attempt to receive communion. In most cases though, the bishops have respectfully and gently reminded such very public people that it would not be appropriate for them to receive communion.

In other situations, where the clergy was faced with a delicate situation of someone already in the communion procession, the bishop or priest has given communion, and then talked with the person privately afterwards, thus avoiding scandal. It brings to mind the funeral of Blessed Pope John Paul II, when the Holy Father, Pope Benedict, then Cardinal Ratzinger, gave communion to Brother Roger of Taizé, a known Protestant. No one knows the details of that encounter except that the Holy Father did not embarrass Brother Roger.



In your son’s particular case the parish priest could have clearly upheld the teaching of the Church and been more pastorally sensitive. The parish priest could have easily gone back to your son’s house a few days later and have a calm conversation about his situation, and also what it means to share in communion. The priest could also have invited your son to look into the possibility of getting a Declaration of Nullity, or as it is more commonly known, as an annulment. In any case, they could have worked together on finding a pastoral solution to this difficult situation.