Great Egotist

DEAR FRIAR RICK: Despite my young age (I am 22) I have been working since I was 18. I am very happy to be working because it allows me to be financially independent from my parents. Lately I have also been feeling the urge to live on my own. However, when I first mentioned this to my mom she started crying and told me that she didn’t want me to leave because she needed my moral support.

For his part my father would not be against the move, but neither is he enthusiastic about it, while my sister, who is 15, told me that I am a great egotist. I am really shocked by their reaction. I thought that these days parents were glad to have independent children, but apparently I was wrong. What should I do, Fr. Rick?

 

Well, in some ways you’ve come to the right person for advice, as in my ministry as Director of FrancisCorps I work, each year, with 10 young adults who are usually between 22 or 23 years old. On the other hand, I am also a friar and have no idea of what it’s like to raise a child except for what I have gleaned from my two sisters and from my interaction with friends and parishioners over the years. Just to give you an idea, the first time I took my youngest niece and nephew for a ride in my car I was so worried I really and truly wanted to surround them with ‘bubble-wrap’ for protection!

You’ve been working since you were 18. That’s pretty good. You’ve been doing this because it allows you to be financially independent from your parents. Is that a necessity? Have they expressed this desire to you? I know that in many countries you reach the age of majority at 18, but in many families that doesn’t necessarily translate into a ‘you’re on your own now’ attitude. Often parents help support their young adult children so that they can pay for school or gather some savings for buying a first home. What’s your story? The flip side, from the young adult person’s perspective, being financially independent means you can make many more of your own choices around what you wear, how you spend your time and ultimately the ability to move out on your own.



This ‘moving out’ seems to be the core of the story here, isn’t it? You’ve been feeling the urge to move out. Again, part of that is natural as you want to explore your world, test your boundaries and find out what life is like when you live it entirely on your own terms. Often though, when young adults move out on their own, they realize that life is not exactly ‘on your own terms’ even when you don’t live at home. Suddenly you discover other sets of relationships, responsibilities and expectations which you might not have been aware of under the care of the parental household. Life, whether it’s with your parents or with others, always involves the art of relationship

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t get your own place. But it is possible to stay at home with your family and begin the process of developing an adult relationship with them and becoming not so much their child as their son or daughter. There is a difference.

So, what does your mother mean when she says she needs your moral support? Is there a problem at home? What is your sister not telling you when she says you are an egotist? Again, what do they need from you? In contrast, your father’s coolness either way may point to a lack of emotional availability. Perhaps your mom and sister count on you to balance things out in the family.



Picture your family as a chair. Your parents, your sister and you are each one of the legs of the chair. If one of the legs of the chair changes or moves, it throws the chair off-balance and affects and puts added pressure on the other legs. The same is true of families. Your family is a system of relationships which, by its very nature, will seek to maintain the status quo. Any change will usually seem unsettling and the person causing the change will be cast as the ‘bad guy’. But in time families balance themselves out and new ways of relating are achieved. Talk to your parents and sister and find out more about how they feel before you make your decision.