Fine Tune Your Marriage

WHEN PURCHASING a new automobile, the manufacturer will always advise the buyer to bring the vehicle back to the dealership for routine maintenance. Even though the automobile is new and may have only a few miles, this preventive maintenance procedure is highly recommended. The same principle applies to marriages. Periodically, every couple should look at their relationship with a view to doing some fine tuning so that minor problems do not escalate into major ones. Even in marriages which appear to be 'made in heaven', human beings are responsible for their maintenance.  Here are a dozen ways to fine tune your marriage in order to keep it running smoothly and lovingly.

The marriage trinity

Marital success is built around a triangle: the man, the woman and God. Constantly cultivate a vibrant and lively spirituality in your relationship. Do this by regularly attending Mass together, praying for each other and mutual participation in church midweek activities such as bible study, choir, service projects, etc. Both husbands and wives ought to heed Rev. Frank Pavone's advice. Fr. Pavone, the founder of Priests for Life, says, 'In Christian marriage, one's spouse in one's 'Number Two', while the only 'Number One' remains God'.

Encourage your partner

A compliment sincerely and graciously offered is sunshine to the spirit. Send your partner some of this verbal sunshine. Scripture challenges us: 'Whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things'. (Philippians 3:8)  That biblical exhortation is a reminder to be on the lookout for the many good things your partner brings to the relationship. Compliment him on his generosity. Praise her for being so tolerant and patient. 

Commit your love to writing

In a moment of sudden and spontaneous inspiration, one day Miriam Williams of Gilroy, CA, cut out 500 pink paper hearts. On each one she wrote a reason why she loves her husband. 'Coming up with five hundred reasons made me look at the daily issues and joys I had overlooked,' she says. 'I taped the hearts on the wall from the bedroom to the dining room and enjoyed my husband's chuckles and sighs as he collected his treasured hearts. He still has them stuffed in a drawer, and he rereads them every now and then'.

Speak optimistically

It's rather easy to get caught up in a cycle of negativity - children aren't doing their homework; the checking account is empty; the car is in need of repair again; it was an exhausting, frustrating day, etc. Try to balance family conversation with words of optimism, hope and encouragement as well as discussing issues which come along. The story is told of a couple who were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. The husband was asked the 'secret' to his successful marriage. He answered with this story. His wife, Sarah, was the only girl he ever dated. He grew up in an orphanage and worked hard for everything he had. Because of his impoverished background, he never had time nor interest in dating until he met Sarah. She swept him off his feet and he proposed marriage.
After they had exchanged vows on their wedding day, Sarah's father took his new son-in-law aside and handed him a small gift. 'Within this gift is all you really need to know to have a happy marriage,' the man said mysteriously. The nervous groom unwrapped the package carefully. Inside the box lay a large golden watch. With considerable care he picked it up. Upon close examination he saw etched across the face of the watch a prudent reminder which he would see whenever he checked the time of day. The words emblazoned on the watch were these words which, if heeded, held the secret to a successful marriage: say something nice to Sarah.

Examine your attitude

Writing in 1886, author Jane Wells offered this marriage advice: 'Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break. Believe the best rather than the worst. People have a way of living up or down to your opinion of them. Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow on your friends'. Take Wells' statement and use it to examine the soul of your marriage by asking yourself these questions:
* Is my love stronger than my hate or anger?
* Am I able to bend a little in this relationship?
* Do I believe the best rather than the worst about us?
* Am I as courteous and as kind to my spouse as I am to my friends?
If some of your answers are 'no' then resolve to make the necessary changes of attitudes and actions. Both of you will benefit greatly.

Beware of self-centredness

Selfishness will quickly sour a relationship and turn the marriage into a burden rather than a blessing. That may be why the apostle wrote these words about true love: 'Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way'. (I Corinthians 13:4) Be on the lookout for signs of becoming self-centred. Tame the ego. Limit the emphasis on 'me' and 'mine'. Place the focus on 'us' and 'ours'. Give in on some matters. Practice the fine art of compromise and your marriage will thrive. One of the most enduring and endearing marriages in modern times is that of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. In spite of the pressures of Hollywood, the California Governor's office and the White House, they celebrated a 50th anniversary. When asked if there is a formula for staying married that long, Mrs Reagan replied, 'Marriage is never 50/50. One of you is always giving more, always compromising. And we've both done our share of compromising in these 50 years'.

Be the right person

British poet Robert Browning made this wise observation about healthy and thriving relationships: 'Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: it is being the right person'. Deepen your marriage by following Browning's advice.     

Express confidence

From time to time, find creative ways to show your partner you are in the relationship for the duration; that you intend to fulfil your vows: 'For better or for worse, in sickness and in health'. Here's a unique and dramatic example from the marriage of Mary and Dannie Vincent of Boonville, IN. On their 25th anniversary, Dannie gave his wife an old, ragged box with a handwritten message on the top. This gift, the message read, was bought for Mary by Dannie before they were married. Inside the box was an elegant teapot with two hearts painted on the side and the phrase 25th Anniversary above them. 'Although he'd been only 19 at the time, Dannie had so much confidence in us as a couple that he bought my 25th anniversary present before we were even married, then saved it all those years to give to me'.

Make time for play

Married life shouldn't just be commuting, working, parenting, packing lunches, chauffeuring, and guiding homework. Remember to keep fun and play alive in a marriage because they are vital to satisfaction and enthusiasm in a relationship. Past good times bring warm memories while creating positive expectations for the future. From time to time, couples should ask themselves these types of questions:
* How much fun and zest exists in our relationship?
* Do we still find each other surprising and stimulating?
* When was the last time we did something playful?
If your are not satisfied with the responses, then plan together to engage in some frivolous but pleasant activities. Couples who play much, play often, and play well, also play for keeps.

Swap roles

This is a good way to shake up the monotony of a relationship. In their book Taking Time For Love, authors Don Dinkmeyer, PhD, and Jon Carlson, EdD, advise, 'If you always pan or initiate activities, encourage your partner to begin initiating plans...If one partner makes all the plans, he or she is really keeping the other person from functioning and expressing him or herself fully in the marriage. Consider your relationship: who usually initiates the hugging, kissing, sex, getting tickets for an event, sharing positive feelings? Change places occasionally and let the other person become the initiator'.

Take pleasure in surrender

If you want go shopping, but he wants you to go to a hockey game with him, give in every now and then without making an issue of it. Your partner will appreciate the courtesy and will reciprocate on another occasion.

Think before you speak

Our words can be tools creating rich relationships or weapons which erode trust and intimacy. What we say can inspire or injure, heal or hurt, build up or bring down. Be sure that your conversation is uplifting and encouraging to your partner. 'A word rashly spoken cannot be brought back by a chariot and four horses,' declares an Chinese proverb.