Daddy Cool

DEAR FRIAR RICK: Unfortunately, after years of quarrelling, I am separating from my wife. I have always been there for my two children, but now there is the possibility that I will no longer be able to see them all the time. I have no intention of becoming a ‘weekend-a-fortnight’ dad, and would like to have them with me during weekday evenings. Obviously, my wife and her lawyer do not share the same opinion. They say this solution would destabilise the kids psychologically, because they would no longer have a single, moral point of reference. What is your opinion on this, Friar Rick?

 

Who in this world has ‘a single, moral point of reference?’ Our young children and we ourselves find our references for living the moral life from a variety of sources. Certainly parents are the primary educators in the moral life. But there are often two of them and sometimes they don’t always see eye-to-eye on things. Kids also find their ‘compass’ in their siblings, grandparents, extended family and their friends. So many are also formed by the school teachers or parish priest.

That being said, it is important for young people to have stability. And perhaps it’s to this that your wife is referring.

I’m not entirely certain what you would consider to be your ideal parental custody set up. I gather you want to be involved more than every other weekend. Do you live close-by to your wife so that it would be easy for your children to go from your home to hers seamlessly? Will the set up you are proposing best allow your children to keep regular hours for homework, sleep, extra-curricular activities at school? In this regard I think we need to follow the lead of King Solomon and ask yourself what is best for the children, not what is best for you.

 

DEAR FRIAR RICK: My husband and I are now alone at home because our children are grown up and married. I am 52 and a housewife, while my husband, who is 60, still has a few more years of work-life in front of him before retiring.

Two years ago, with my mother’s death, my father found himself alone and, because he seemed to be so unhappy, we decided to take him into our home.

The problem is that my father, who is now 78, has become prone to frequent outbursts of anger against me, my husband and sometimes even against our children when they are over. This behaviour, which I do not believe he had with my mother, has gotten worse in the last months, especially on the eve of feasts and anniversaries.

Precisely when the atmosphere is peaceful, dad explodes over any trivial matter, ruining everything. When this happens we all try to calm him down, but he gets even more angry, and sometimes expresses the wish that God would make him die. At other times he throws himself to the ground and erupts into uncontrollable crying. What can we do?

 

When it comes to unexplained emotional changes in a person, the first thing we need to do is rule-out any obvious medical issues. Has your father had any changes to medications, falls or injuries to the head recently? Has he had a stroke or series of mini-strokes known as TIA or Transient Ischaemic Attacks? These, over time, could cause vascular damage which is sometimes related to mood changes. Another source of mood changes could be emerging dementia. It’s important to have your father assessed by his physician and even better by a gerontologist. These specialists can best evaluate the various factors that might be leading to the emotional outbursts.

Once the medical issue is ruled out as a possibility I would consider a psychological issue, although the falling to the ground and erupting in tears has me very confused and thinking it’s medical. Other than that it looks and sounds like unresolved grief and possibly depression. When you think of it, your father was married to your mother for more than 50 years. That’s your lifetime. Can we even begin to fathom what that loss is like? And so it is understandable that liminal events (occasions that mark a significant milestone in life like anniversaries and birthdays) would be very painful for him and result in mood changes and angry outbursts. In that case it sounds like he would definitely benefit from seeing a psychologist or counsellor.

One last thing. Remember to take care of yourself too. You need to recharge yourself with rest, fun and space so that your best is there for him.