The Confident Child

AUTHOR and Rabbi, Joseph Telushkin tells of giving a lecture at which he asked the audience: “How many of you grew up in a household in which somebody’s ill temper had a bad effect on the household?” Present in the audience that day were two of his daughters, then aged 6 and 4. To his embarrassment, and to the audience’s immense amusement, his 6-year-old raised her hand and, the 4-year-old, seeing her sister’s hand, did as well.

Later Rabbi Telushkin spoke to his daughter asking about her raised hand. She explained that “I often snapped at her when I was teaching her to read.” He immediately apologized to her: “It’s wrong of me to do that. I’m really sorry. I’ll try not to do that again, and I hope you can forgive me.” Rabbi Telushkin also told her than in the future, “If I became impatient, you should say to me, ‘Daddy, you’re not supposed to get angry.’”

That father’s response was filled with wisdom and compassion. In asking his daughter for an explanation, listening carefully to it and then responding positively, he affirmed that his daughter’s opinions, thoughts and feelings were important. It was a great leap forward in empowering his daughter to believe in herself.

Parents who want the best for their children must first teach them how to believe the best in themselves. This is something observed by former First Lady Barbara Bush, who wrote, “Where will our country find leaders with integrity, courage, strength – all the family values – in ten, twenty, or thirty years? The answer is that you are teaching them, loving them, and raising them right now”. Here are seven more ways parents and other significant adults can help children believe in themselves.

 

Make them your priority

 

Scripture reminds parents that “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.” (Psalm 127:3) Consequently, a child’s well being needs to be a parent’s high priority. Children’s self esteem is greatly strengthened when they are made to feel important by the significant adults in their lives. One effective way of showing this is simply to be present for significant occasions. One man, now a father himself, relates the disappointment and frustration he feels toward his father: “Between the time I was 5 and 13 years old my father was home for only two of my birthdays. His job required him to travel a lot, but I can’t understand why he couldn’t arrange to be home for my birthday. I never felt that he cared about me.” The lesson for others from his experience is this: If we are not present at the important events in our children’s lives, they are likely to feel the same way as this man, angry and resentful toward their parents. Even though your work schedule may be very demanding, make the time to be present for a child’s important days such as: the first day of school, birthdays, first recital, graduation, sports games they participate in.

 

Positive comments

 

“Build up rather than chip away at children”. That wisdom comes from Robert Brooks, PhD, and Sam Goldstein, PhD, authors of Raising Resilient Children. They write, “A beautiful statue can be created by either starting with a large piece of marble and chipping away or starting with a small lump of clay and building up. Although in the art work either method may produce a beautiful work, in the parenting world the chipping method is unproductive.” Too often many parents are guilty of ‘chipping away’ without realizing it. Rather than comment on what their children are doing right, they comment on what they’ve done wrong. Rather than teach their children, they are always correcting their children. “If parents employ the chisel with regularity, they will weaken whatever confidence remains in their children. In contrast, parents who build up and offer positive comments will help create a strong foundation of love on which resilience will be constructed,” they write. Take a critical look at your parenting style to be sure you are doing more building up than chipping away. Keep in mind this Biblical wisdom: Do not exasperate your children. (Ephesians 6:4)

 

Let them help you

 

Children are empowered when an adult sincerely asks for their assistance and advice. Consider the experience of Mac Bledsoe which he recounts in his book Parenting With Dignity. He tells about his first computer purchase which came in six or seven boxes. He found the process of setting up a computer system daunting. “Then I thought for a minute and asked myself, Who in this family knows how to set up a computer? The answer was simple: the boys.” So he asked them to set it up. A short time later they called him to come into the home study. “They not only had our new computer set up, they had all the manuals organized on the bookshelf and all the boxes stacked up neatly along the wall. Then I watched in amazement as they began to teach me all the things they could do on our new computer.” Bledsoe says that by simply asking for their help and permitting them to do so, his boys received four important lessons: “I valued them. They could do things their dad couldn’t do. In our family we draw on everyone’s strength. In our family, everyone participates.”

 

Listen to your children

 

Many parents complain their children won’t talk to them. However, in too many cases the problem isn’t that the kids don’t’ want to talk. The problem is that parents won’t take the time to carefully, respectfully listen. Kids quickly pick up signals from adults. All it takes are comments like these to shut them down: “Can’t you see I’m busy.” “Not now, I’m trying to finish this project.” When parents won’t listen, children shut down, feeling their stories and experiences aren’t important. When your son says, “Guess what Mom”, turn off the TV and just listen. When your daughter says “Guess what Dad”, put down the newspaper and just listen.

 

Compassion & empathy

 

Respond to what you hear with empathy. As your children speak with you sharing their experiences, let them know that you understand and appreciate their feelings. Respond with kindness, compassion and empathy. In his book, Family First, Dr. Phil McGraw says: “True empathy goes far beyond saying ‘I understand’ or ‘I know just how you feel.’ To really have and communicate empathy, you must connect with your child’s point of view and effectively explain to him/her what you believe she is feeling.” Dr. Phil recommends using these types of sentences to demonstrate both caring and empathy:

• 
  You must be feeling really sad (scared, happy, excited, left out, worried etc.)




• 
  That must really have hurt your feelings and upset you.




• 
  You must have felt really alone.




• 
  You must be so excited, you can hardly sit still.




• 
  You must be really scared about what’s going to happen.

 

Support their dreams

 

Support, promote and nurture children’s dreams. Children need important adults in their lives who will support, promote and nurture the dreams they develop for themselves. When this takes place, children will believe in themselves and then take steps to actualize their goals. Sadly, too many children have this experience shared with an advice columnist: “I am a 13-year-old boy in the eighth grade. My problem is my parents lack of confidence in me. I’m an above-average artist and think I’ve got a lot of potential. But when my parents question me about what I want to do when I get older and I tell them I want to be an artist for an animation studio, they say, ‘That’s not a realistic goal.’ My mom says, ‘Why don’t you pick an occupation that’s more practical?’ And dad just keeps quiet.” Though these parents may mean well, their approach is not skilful nor helpful to this young man. He says, “I know I’m only 13, but I have aspired to an animation artist since I was 4. It hurts knowing my parents do not support my dream.” Even though his parents were not positive, the advice columnist was encouraging. Her positive response and support provides an example for parents to follow. She wrote back saying: “Go to the library and research the field of animation, which can be quite lucrative. There are many jobs in the arts and graphic design and, as you grow older, your interests may broaden. For now, continue to hold onto your dream and keep your academic standing high. That way you’ll get into a good college or art school.”

 

Positive role models

 

“Talk the talk and walk the walk”. This proverb reminds parents to be positive role models for children. Our beliefs should always be matched by our behaviours. Whether adults recognize it or not, children are watching. Who we are and what we do shouts louder than anything we can say, as exemplified by the poem When You Thought.

 

WHEN YOU THOUGHT

Short story writer Clarence Budinton Kelland wrote, “My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” Then he penned these words, titled When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking. They ought to instruct and inspire all who hope to influence children positively:



When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favourite cake for me, and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight, and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I LOOKED… and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.