Children & Grief

style=width:178px;height:300px;float:right;" >

THE LOSS OF a significant person in the life of a child - a parent, grandparent, sibling, relative, friend - is far more common than most people believe. One out of 20 American children under the age of 15 loses one or both parents due to death. It is estimated that in any secondary school of 800 pupils, 24 children will experience the death of a family member. When there is a death, children, like adults, grieve. However, their grief may be more difficult to assess because they do not have the vocabulary nor the life experience to easily express their feelings and needs.
The impact of death can be a wrenching, life-long issue for children if they do not receive the support they need in order to absorb, address and ultimately to accept the loss. That support must come from parents and other significant adults in the child's life. These biblical calls to deliver comfort to those who hurt are applicable to children as well as adults, 'Comfort, comfort my people'. (Isaiah 40:1)  'Comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow'. (2 Cor 2:7) Here are some ways parents and other significant adults can help children deal with the trauma of loss.

Be honest

Children need and want the truth. In a comfortable place share the facts quietly and honestly in a soothing voice. Avoid euphemisms when explaining death. Many adults recall confusing childhood experiences with death because euphemisms such as these were used: Grandmother is 'sleeping'; Uncle Dave has 'gone away'; 'Granddad is on a trip'. Those euphemisms are confusing because the child is left expecting that Grandmother will 'wake up' or that uncle Dave will 'come home' or that granddad will soon return from his 'trip'. Of course, there is disillusionment and disappointment when those don't happen.  Honesty means using direct, simple, clear language which a child can understand. For example, 'Uncle Dave died; that means he's not alive. His body stopped working'.

Adapt to the age-group

Adapt the information to the age and maturity level of your child. The following is a guide summarizing the way children of various ages view and understand death:
* Up to 5 years of age: death concept is limited and often viewed as reversible. This age group, does, however, feel the pain of adults around them. The best support is nonverbal - hugging, holding, kissing.
* 6 to 9 years of age: by age 6, over half of all children have the understanding that death is final and permanent. By age 8 or 9, virtually all children grasp this core concept. In this age group, children may feel they are somehow responsible for the death. They need reassurance they did not cause the death.
* 9 to 12 years of age: this group not only understands but may be overwhelmed by the reality of death. They often have many questions indicating they need and want factual information.
* Teenagers: they view death much like adults, but lack adult coping skills. Also, this age group finds it difficult to share grief reactions with parents since a main task of adolescence is separating from family. Teenagers can benefit greatly via support from peer groups, especially those who have had some experience with loss.  

Use the arts

Sarah, a six year old, rested her small face in her hands as she stared at the meal that sat untouched in front of her. 'What's the matter, Sarah?' asked her kind neighbour who had volunteered to baby sit the girl while her parents went to the hospital to visit her twelve year old sister. Sarah only sighed and continued to stare at her food. The neighbour suddenly asked, 'Would you like to play with some clay instead?' Sarah nodded quickly and was given colourful clay to play with. Her neighbour watched with fascinating and shock when she realized Sarah shaped clay into small tombstones carefully etched with the names of her entire family. 'There, that's everyone! Even one for me - so we can all stay together as a family!' The neighbour knew Sarah had not been told her sister was dying from leukaemia, and now was worried whether she had done the right thing by encouraging this play. However, one look at Sarah's relaxed face and interest in eating her meal indicated this was all right.
Hospice worker Virginia Lynn Fry tells that story and adds this commentary, 'Despite often-repeated phrases like, 'She's too young to understand,' or 'He doesn't know what is happening,' children actually do know and understand in their own ways as Sarah showed us. It is in the showing, rather than the telling, that children can explore their understanding of life, death, dying, grieving, and surviving ... After all, are there really any words adequate to express how it feels to have your big sister dying in front of your eyes? But a row of little clay tombstones, one for each member of the family - not just the dying sister - set up on the kitchen table for all to see, expresses perfectly the reality and fears and hopes of this little girl'. It is also worth noting that even though Sarah's sister is still dying from leukaemia, Sarah experienced some peace and even joy because she found a way of expressing her feelings via clay modelling. Fry says it was 'literally getting it out of her body that brought enormous relief and pleasure to Sarah'.
When helping children deal with loss, tap into the arts: writing, painting, poetry, clay, theatre, music and crafts. Because children have limited life experience and limited vocabulary to outline their feelings, arts helps children better express what is going on inside them.

Role model good grief

That advice comes from counsellors at the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families. They say, 'Children watch adults to get cues about how they are 'supposed' to grieve... They learn from watching and imitating the adults around them. Children look to their parents for cues about grieving - from how to talk about the death, to what emotions are acceptable'.  They also note that parents who manage their own bereavement process in positive ways set an ideal example for their children. 'Sometimes parents want to hide their grief from their children thinking that it will upset them. Yet it's important for a child to know that it's acceptable to cry, to feel angry, to grieve. Children often will not show emotions because they don't want to upset the surviving parent or others'.
 
Find peer support

Young people find support groups to be helpful because they are in the presence of peers who are moving through a similar experience. The camaraderie and exchange of information will be uplifting and empowering. Donna L. Schuurman, Ed.D., outlines these five ways peer groups can help grieving children and teens:
  1) Hey, maybe I'm not crazy. 'Kids find out, through listening and sharing with others their age, that much of what they fear is common and normal'.
  2) I'm not alone. Children, especially teens, don't want to feel different or alone in an experience. 'One of the benefits of participating in a group of peers who have also experienced a death is the knowledge that others have experienced and survived the loss of a family member or close friend'.
  3) Someone else cares what I'm going through. 'Children need validation for who they are, what they feel, and what they experience... they too frequently do not receive support or validation from the adults around them... Group support helps children and adolescents know that someone cares and understands'.
  4) My feelings matter. Children and teens often feel intense emotions following loss, and adults sometimes make light of their feelings. 'Group settings for youth... provide an opportunity for all feelings to be validated, even ones that don't feel good'.
  5) I have ways to express what I feel in ways that help me.  A peer support group offers youths opportunity to express and explore feelings in healthy ways rather than acting out in ways that are reckless and destructive.
  
Share your faith

Adults should stay away from language which seems to blame God for a loss: God took him. God loved Aunt Jane so much God brought her to be in heaven. In his book, How Do We Tell The Children, funeral director Dan Schaefer writes, 'Another thing to remember when you're talking with children is that God doesn't kill people. Nor does God go around zapping them because He wants them to be in heaven with Him... like some sort of crazed social director in the sky. Death comes from within the person; the body wears out and dies'. However, a sensitive sharing of what your faith community believes about God's presence in daily life, and about what happens to a person who has died, can provide comfort for a child. Some helpful faith statements can include: 'God knows how sad we are when someone we love has died'. 'God is with us every day'. 'God is here to help us all get through this'.

 Finally, it's worth remembering that children are remarkably adaptive, resilient and expansive. A little guidance from caring and compassionate adults is usually all they need to heal and grow as a result of an encounter with grief. The worlds of Ernest Hemingway are especially applicable to a child's bereavement experience, 'The world breaks everyone, and afterwards many are strong at the broken places'.