Cheating Spouse 

Dear Mr Pfister, I am seeking advice about a grave mistake I made in my marriage. Last year, I became close to a female coworker after her department was merged with my own at my workplace, and we began working on a number of projects together. While I am not proud of this, our working long hours together eventually led to flirtation, which further developed over time into an emotional and then a physical affair. I have since stopped my indiscretion, but I have never shared this with my wife, and I fear doing so for what it would do to her and our marriage. Is it better for me to keep the indiscretion to myself and to spare her image of me and our marriage, as well as her wellbeing, in the process? Should I be honest with her despite the potential consequences that I to this day continue to lose sleep over?

Situations such as this must be handled most delicately because of the hurt that will be caused as a consequence of our actions. The path to healing we must take is an arduous one, because on it we will need to follow the truth despite the pain it may cause us or those we love. This path begins with the honesty that is due to your wife through sharing with her your indiscretion and humbly asking for her forgiveness.

Asking for and obtaining her forgiveness is a process that will take place in two general stages: in the first stage you must be willing to acknowledge your fault, take ownership for your mistake, and express a desire for reconciliation and promise an amendment of your action. In the second stage, you will take responsibility for the effects of your actions and walk with her through the healing process. This second stage is the more difficult of the two because it is commonly the longest and most demanding for both you and your spouse.

Throughout the process you need to be willing to do all that is necessary to help her to heal from the hurt you have caused her. The journey back to a marriage filled with trust will be a long one, but it is possible. Ask God for the grace to remain steadfast and to maintain the course, especially when her hurt or anger at your actions show through in her words and actions. If she lashes out at you, remain steadfast and unite the suffering it causes you with Our Lord’s on the Cross to obtain graces for her healing. Refuse to give up on your marital vows despite how tumultuous the waters may be or for how long they remain this way.

Most importantly, remember that in all of this we must seek to do what is right by God and follow the vows of this beautiful sacrament. We read in the Book of Proverbs, “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord: but they that deal faithfully please him” (12:22), and are again reminded by Our Blessed Lord in the Gospel of John that the truth shall set us free (John 8:32). Our Lord did not say to the disciples to whom He spoke these words that following the truth would be easy, but He did say that it would set them free.

He speaks these same words to us today; and while being truthful in times such as this will not be easy – in fact it will be difficult – it is the calling we have been given by Our Lord Himself, and what is ultimately necessary for the healing of your marriage.