Cheating Husband

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a 52-year-old woman who has been married for over 30 years with a man whom I have always loved dearly, even though our marriage is childless. Unfortunately, I have recently discovered that he has been consorting with prostitutes. The hurt and distress I am now feeling is beyond words. My first reaction was to divorce him, send him packing, but then the love I still feel for him, as well as my religious faith, advised me against this extreme course of action. He denies the allegations, and says that it is my innate jealousy that is causing me to imagine the whole thing, but I can assure you, Father, that I have solid evidence to prove that he has indeed been with prostitutes, and furthermore, that he continues to do so. Should I divorce him, Father Rick?



What a shock this must all be for you. What a sense of betrayal. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. It will help me understand better if we look at your letter a bit at a time and see if there are any insights I can offer that might be of help to you.

First of all, I would strongly suggest that you seek immediate medical attention. You need to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. If you are embarrassed to talk to your physician about this you can go to a clinic where you will find the anonymity you may need. If you believe that your husband is continuing to engage in sexuality activity with anyone else but yourself, you need to be aware that you are at continued risk of contracting any diseases he may have contracted or is carrying.

You begin by stating that you have been married since you were 22 years old, and that you love your husband ‘even though’ your marriage is childless. That’s a rather interesting way of expressing yourself. Has the lack of children in your marriage been a source of conflict? I would love to know more.

The next important statement that you make is that you recently discovered that your husband has been consorting with prostitutes. Later you state that you have ‘solid evidence’ to prove this. And yet your husband denies that this is true. Obviously, you can’t both be right! So let’s look at both possibilities. Let’s look at the possibility that perhaps your ‘proof’ is not as solid as you think. Interestingly enough you do not mention in your letter what the proof is. Why not? Is there any interpretation of facts in your ‘proof’ that leads you to believe that your husband is cheating? Could you be misreading what appear to be facts to you? I would suggest seeking the assistance of a professional counsellor to assist you in examining your assumptions and to provide you with the emotional assistance that you may need at this time.

On the other hand, what if he really is seeing prostitutes? The more worrisome thing is that when confronted by the truth he continues both to deny it and to engage in this dangerous behaviour. This situation has some of the key indicators that your husband my have a sexual addiction. This type of reckless behaviour could also be an expression of other mental health issues such as Bi-Polar Disease. Either way this is serious stuff.

So, what should you do? Like I said above the first course of action is to make sure you are safe. See your doctor immediately! Again, if he is continuing to engage in sexual activity with prostitutes you are at high risk of contracting a disease if you have sexual relations with him. Secondly, do you feel threatened in any way by your husband because you have confronted him with this truth? If so, either ask him to leave the house or remove yourself from the situation. Never, ever, tolerate abusive or threatening behaviour whether physical, emotional or sexual. If you are experiencing that: get out! Thirdly, get someone to journey with you; preferably a professional counsellor who can assist you in making sure you are reading things correctly. Finally, if in fact he is engaging in this behaviour and will not admit it you will need to decide on the consequences. Ask him to get help or else! A good place to start is by visiting a website of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous such as www.slaauk.org.