Baby Longing

Dear Mr. Pfister, my wife and I have been married for five years. We have been trying to conceive and start a family since we got married, but have been unable to do so to this point. We have sought medical advice and followed all moral and ethical routes to conceive, including multiple methods of natural family planning and using NaPro technology, but to no success. While we will continue to trust God and work towards obtaining pregnancy through moral and natural means, how do we cope with the desires we have for a family and continue to trust that this is God’s plan for us?

First and foremost, I want to say what a beautiful desire you and your spouse hold, to have a family according to God’s will, and what a difficult cross infertility is to carry in light of that wondrous desire. As Pope Pius XI reminds us in his papal encyclical, Casti Connubii, it is indeed a blessing from God that spouses become helpers in His propagation of life, and that of the many blessings of marriage, the gift of a child is the greatest. And therefore, in light of these truths, the pain felt by couples struggling with infertility whilst desiring to increase their family is very great.

In this particular situation, our psychology and ability to cope will be greatly aided by a deeper understanding of our faith in order to guide our psychological perspective on this cross.

While there is much to be said about this cross, the consideration I would like us to make is on four of the known attributes of Almighty God. Particularly that He is omniscient, good, perfect, and faithful. Beginning with His goodness, to say that God is good, indeed goodness itself, means that God can only do that which is good, including in relation to each of us. In regards to the second, to say that He is omniscient means that He knows all things, past, present, and future. From these two attributes alone, we can derive that God, knowing all things, allows certain things to happen to us, in His perfect knowledge, for a greater good.

For example, while He will allow us at times to be participators in His propagation of the human race, He will also, in His infinite wisdom, at times restrict this blessing – such as in the case of infertility – for a different, but also great good He desires to bring about. While we may not be privy to exactly why He allows a struggle such as this in our particular case, knowing these truths of God allows us to recognize that the struggles we are experiencing are in some way part of God’s plan for our sanctifications, and that it is most perfect, like God Himself, because He cannot do anything less that what is most perfect. This is the third attribute I want to mention: God is perfect, perfection Itself. It follows therefore that everything He does, or allows, is absolutely perfect because He can do no less.

While we do not know all of the reasons God has for allowing this cross, we do know it is in some way ultimately tied to the sanctification of yourself and your spouse. As difficult as it undoubtedly is, as long as God allows it to remain in your marriage, embrace it and ask for the grace to carry it in imitation of Our Most Blessed Lord. He is faithful, the fourth attribute of our consideration, and will always provide the concomitant grace necessary to carry any cross He bestows upon us.