Atheist Husband

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I am a deeply religious woman, like the rest of my family members: my parents and my younger sister. For the last three years I have been dating a wonderful man who really cares for me. There is one drawback, though: he is a card-carrying atheist and has rejected outright the idea of marrying me in church because he says that “it would not be coherent” of him to do so. My parents are very disappointed about this and have asked me to try to persuade him for my sake, but he remains adamant. My spiritual counsellor has told me that it may be preferable for me to leave him. However, I believe this is too drastic, and besides, Friar Rick, I love him deeply.

 

Deeply in love is a great thing. You are blessed. Staying deeply in love is an even better thing and this requires the blessing of God, but also the work and effort of the persons involved. How hard are you willing to work to make this relationship a success?

Whenever one of our former FrancisCorps volunteers introduces me to a boyfriend or girlfriend, I give them a firm handshake and, while holding their hand, I peer into their eyes (usually on my tippy toes) and ask: Are you Catholic? Do you have a job? My half-joke, half-serious questions highlight the importance of responsibility and shared values in building a marriage. It is certainly possible to share common values with someone who is not Catholic. It is also certain that being both Catholic does not guarantee the same mind-set on everything. But when both parties in a marriage are Catholic you have the grace of the sacrament as well as some common fundamental ways of looking at the world. It makes building your relationship a lot easier.



But ‘easier’ does not equal necessary. It is possible for you to remain true to your faith and also to be married to someone who is atheist and sincerely follows what is good and true. The fact that your fiancée is struggling with the congruity of getting married in a church means that he wants to live a life of integrity. It’s a good thing. It’s what Pope Francis challenged atheists to do when he wrote a response to a guest editorial in the Italian daily La Repubblica: “The issue for those who do not believe in God is in obeying their own conscience. In fact, listening and obeying it, means deciding about what is perceived to be good or to be evil. The goodness or the wickedness of our behaviour depends on this decision” (La Repubblica, 11 September 2013, translated from Italian by Sara Cecere).



However, being in a marriage, whether you are Catholic or atheist, requires that you invest 110 percent into the relationship. I’m worried that your fiancé may be more concerned with what is ‘coherent’ for him about getting married and not as concerned with what is coherent for you. Does he love you enough to accept you as you are? I don’t care how cute he is or how much he says he loves you; if he does not respect you and your faith then you should run.



If you decide that this man is right for you and will not hinder your practice of the faith, then there are a couple of options for the wedding itself. It is certainly possible for you to be married in church. This would require a Dispensation from the Impediment of Disparity of Cult, which is granted by the local bishop. Obviously the wedding would not take place in the context of the Mass, but it would recognised by the Church. If you decide to be married outside of a church you can still have the marriage recognized by the Church and have your parish priest attend. It would require what is called a ‘Dispensation from Form’, also granted by your local bishop.



So, in the end, I probably haven’t helped you too much. There are no easy answers. It’s a tough choice. One thing I do know. I don’t really believe that God chooses a person for us who is ‘the’ one! As I said at the beginning of this response; it’s one thing to fall in love with someone. It’s something else to stay in love. Pray for wisdom. Pray for a generous heart. Pray for your fiancé. I will too.