The Art of Apologising

BILL AND HIS wife were high school sweethearts when he went off to college. They kept in touch via telephone, but one day they had a disagreement. Abruptly, he announced, over the phone, that they were through. However, the break up left him feeling so bad that a short time later he hitchhiked 300 miles back home, and went directly to her house. The mother said she wasn’t home; she was out on a date. “I stayed there and made her mother very nervous,” he remembers. When his former girlfriend finally came home, she was shocked to see him. Bill apologised for his behaviour and his words. “I told her what a fool I was, and that she was the person I loved; the person I wanted to be with. We’ve been married now for 40 years!”

That true incident demonstrates the power inherent in an apology. Offering a few words of apology begins the process of healing someone who has been hurt, and it also restores a relationship which has suffered a rupture. On the one hand, saying “I am sorry” should be one of the most simple tasks in the world. On the other hand, doing so appears to be a formidable challenge for far too many people in our society. It seems very difficult for many to apologise, possibly because they are extremely embarrassed, or because they simply have too much pride or cannot take the risk that their apology will be flatly rejected. Without an apology, the offended person carries resentment and, while it may dissipate with time, most likely it will never be completely released. Yet a few words of regret, sincerely offered, is emotional damage control preventing a wound from festering and becoming larger until the breach is insurmountable. That is what is behind the biblical advice to “confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Here are some tips for practicing the fine art of an apology.

Appreciate the benefits

 Expressing an apology delivers enormous benefits for both the receiver and the giver. In her book, The Power of An Apology, Beverly Engle cites these benefits to the receiver:

-     The person harmed can experience emotional healing when acknowledged by the offender.

-      The person harmed no longer perceives the wrongdoer as a personal threat.

-     The person harmed is empowered to move beyond anger and prevented from being stuck in the past.

-      The person harmed has an opportunity to respond with forgiveness.     

Engel also notes that the offending party is the recipient of these benefits when they apologise:

-      Rather than being eaten away with guild and remorse, the offender can reduce esteem-robbing self-reproach and guilt by apologising.

-      Arrogance is cut down when the offender recognizes his or her fault and apologises.

-      Offending persons who apologise can remain emotionally connected to friends, colleagues and loved ones. Without an apology distancing takes place.

-      Since an apology can create humility in the offender, it can also act as a deterrent reminding him or her not to repeat the act.

Accept responsibility
 
 Scripture cautions people against a prideful refusal to admit a mistake or wrongdoing: “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16: 18). Being incapable of making an apology when you are clearly wrong is the sign of a major character flaw. Rather than dither dather and delay, accept responsibility for your words or deeds. This too, is a Biblical recommendation: “Go and humble yourself; press you plea with your neighbour! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids” (Proverbs 6: 3-4). At a conference, Henry Paulson, Jr., CEO of Goldman Sachs Group responded to a question during question-and-answer session in which he seemed to imply that eighty percent of his employees were irrelevant to the company’s success. “I don’t want to sound heartless,” he responded to the questioner, “but in almost every one of our businesses, there are 15 to 20 percent of people who really add 80 percent of the value”. Paulson’s comments rapidly spread throughout the company drawing an overwhelmingly negative reaction. Rather than deflect the issue saying his comments were taken out of context or some other feeble explanation, Paulson immediately accepted responsibility for his words. In a voice mail to all of Goldman’s 20,000 employees, he apologised and acknowledged his remarks were “insensitive and glib. I cited the eight-twenty rule which is totally at odds with the way I think about the people here”. Paulson also explained he intended to apologise in person at a series of upcoming town hall meetings with employees, but realized that “I should get to you immediately”.
 
Repair the same way
 
If you offended someone publicly, make your apology publicly. It doesn’t work to embarrass someone before a group of people but later offer an apology in private to the offended person. That’s the lesson in this incident between newspaper publisher William Beaverbrook and Britain’s future prime minister, Edward Heath. In the bathroom of his London Club, Beaverbrook met Heath, then a young MP, about whom he had printed an insulting editorial only a few days earlier. “My dear chap,” said Beaverbrook, embarrassed by the encounter, “I’ve been thinking it over, and I was wrong. Here and now, I wish to apologise”. Reluctantly, Heath responded, “Very well, but next time, I wish you’d insult me in the washroom and apologise in your newspaper!” The lesson in that story is basic: as much as possible, repair the damage the same way you made it.

Face to face and in writing

Often a simple “I am so sorry” with brief explanation, is sufficient. However, when the blunder is more serious, personal words of remorse ought to be reinforced with a short note. Etiquette authority Letitia Baldrige cites the example of a woman who made an ethnic slur in front of a friend who she did not know was of that culture. Baldrige advises writing the victim of her remark this kind of note: In saying what I did, I realize I have offended you badly, but myself, too, because it was a cruel, stupid, and bigoted remark. I hope someday you will say you will forgive me. The episode has taught me a very valuable lesson. I am only sorry that, in learning it, I had to hurt a good friend at the same time.

Listen respectfully

Keep in mind when you apologize that the other person may indeed be upset. Allow the person to express their disappointment and frustration. Doing so will validate the person’s feelings. Listen respectfully, say very little allowing the person to vent their hurt. Never minimize their feelings by blurting out: “You’re overreacting!” or “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill!” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing!” It is much better to listen and acknowledge the offended person’s feelings by saying something like this: “I am sorry I upset you. You have a right to feel this way. I will make sure this never happens again.”

Give it time

 Then, after apologising, be patient. Things never fall back into place immediately just because an apology was extended. The person who was hurt does not heal right after hearing “I’m sorry”. It may take a little time for the offended one to release his or her feelings and experience healing. Remember this wisdom from Shakespeare: “How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees”.

Concrete actions

When you’ve offended someone, healing and reconciliation can be greatly enhanced by demonstrating your regret by actions. In 1963, George Wallace, then governor of Alabama, literally stood in the door of the University of Alabama to prevent Vivian Jones, a black woman, from enrolling as a student. Little by little, the staunch segregationist saw the error of his ways. Thirty-three years later he publicly apologised to Jones and, as proof of his words, he awarded her the first Lurleen B. Wallace Award for Courage. The award, named in honour of Wallace’s wife, recognizes women who have made outstanding contributions to the state of Alabama. At the ceremony, Wallace said, “Vivian Malone Jones was at the center of the fight over states’ rights and conducted herself with grace, strength and, above all, courage”.

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If you find yourself reluctant to apologise because you’re so embarrassed, try remembering that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Most likely, the person you’ve offended will receive your apology graciously. As a result, anger will be dissolved, hurt pride soothed, and a wounded heart will be healed.