Another Chance?

DEAR FRIAR RICK: I was married for 10 years with a very silent and introverted man. However, our relationship remained close through the love we both shared for our daughter, who was born with a congenital heart defect. However, after our daughter died he sought and obtained a separation, and went to live with another woman. It was very hard for me at first, but in the last three years of my life I was able to find a job and a certain emotional stability.

Now my husband is seeking to re-enter my life. He was dumped by the other woman and is also fighting against cancer. He has reached rock-bottom, both physically and psychologically. Of course he does not have the face or the courage to ask me explicitly that we get back together, but his non-verbal message is a desperate cry for help.



If I continue to ignore his silent plea I feel ashamed of myself for being so selfish. But the thought of settling back with him reopens old wounds and the trauma of that separation. What should I do?

 

The situation you face with your husband is very complex and perhaps I can raise some questions for you that may assist you as you figure out how to move into the future. The first thing I note is that you refer to him as your husband. It sounds like although you are separated you are not divorced. I wonder why that is. It’s not that I encourage divorce. Far from it! But it seems that perhaps there is still unfinished business with your marriage. My hunch is that this is the case.



The stress and trauma of caring for a terminally sick child and the subsequent death of the child do tend to wreak havoc on any marriage. The very presence of the spouse brings back such vivid memories of the painful experience that couples often separate. So, I’m not surprised to hear that it was the case in your marriage. The separation may have less to do with your marriage and more to do with the trauma you experienced. I’m not excusing your husband’s apparent infidelity, but it kind of makes sense that he would seek some kind of consolation. Severe grief has a way to make us do things that we would normally not do.

That being said, you also described your relationship with your husband as being ‘close’ though he was very silent and introverted. I wonder what that was like for you? How would you describe your closeness to him? What did that mean in the day-to-day of life? Did your daughter’s illness become the source of your closeness? Did the illness simply delay the inevitable tensions of your marriage which you would have had to address at some point?



You now have a sense that since his break-up with his girlfriend and his deteriorating health he is giving signs of wanting to re-enter your life. He has not said this, but you are intuiting it. How do you know? I would recommend extreme caution here as you may be on very shaky ground. Your feelings of hurt, your feelings of sadness, possible feelings of revenge and even the remaining grief may be colouring your judgement of the situation. Your perception of the message your husband is giving may not be accurate. I’m not saying it isn’t. Just that it might be off. Be careful. Proceed slowly.

Let’s say you are right; he has hit ‘rock bottom’ and needs you back in his life. You still have choices to make. You feel ashamed for not helping him, but you don’t want to relive the pain of the separation. Whether you ignore him totally or welcome him back into relationship, you are going to have to deal with the pain of the separation and loss of your daughter. I would definitely recommend some professional counselling for you as a couple… whether you get back together or not.



The other thing to remember is that just because you care for him and want to help does not mean you necessarily “settle back in” as if nothing had happened. You may, after counselling, decide to get back together. You may also find that it is better for you to remain separated, but to express your love and care for one another as friends. Either way you are going to have to rehash your feelings. It will be painful in the short-term, but hopefully it will be a healing experience for you both.