Adolescence SOS

DEAR FRIAR RICK: We are very worried about our 13-year-old son. He loathes studying, and every time my husband and I try to remind him about his responsibilities he either shrugs his shoulders or reacts angrily.



He has told his teachers that he is doing poorly at school because we’re always telling him off and do not love him. Once he even told them that we do not buy him schoolbooks, but the truth is that he either forgets them at home or pretends to forget them. He says he has made friends with the best students in his classroom, but we were told by his teachers that he is, in fact, hanging out with the most violent and unruly ones. What can we do to set him on the right course?





Well, let me start by stating clearly that I am neither a parent nor a specialist in counselling children. You probably have more experience and wisdom in this area than I do. However, perhaps I can help you reflect on what is going on and how it is affecting you. This may lead to a good course of action.



The first reality to confront is that of your son as a 13-year-old male. It sounds like puberty has arrived. This means that the hormonal balance in your son’s body has begun to change, which may lead to all sorts of new and exciting developments including mood swings. An early sexual development may result in an increase in aggressiveness. If he is developing more slowly than his peers he may feel out of sorts and possibly isolated and depressed. This time of his life may feel at times like a mine crowded sea through which you have to navigate. Remember though, that for the most part this is a normal development of the human person. There is no need to worry or be overly anxious.



I would like to focus particularly on your son’s ‘stories’ to his teachers about your lack of love and not providing for this necessities. He also seems to have fabricated stories about his friends at school. It sounds like he has difficulty separating fact from fiction, or at least facts from his fantasy! I would suggest you take your cues from his teachers with regards to this. They are dealing with lots of young people your son’s age. Ask them how they perceive him. What would they recommend as a course of action?



Beyond that I would suggest the following general attitudes when raising teenagers. First of all remember who you are. You are the parent. You are not your son’s friend or buddy. You are in charge. You make the decisions. Consultation may be nice, but you are the adult in this relationship. Be careful that you do not try to make yourself liked by your son. Your job is to love him and do what is right for him whether he likes it or not. Act your age and let him be his.



The second recommendation I would make is to be consistent. Have and express clear expectations of your son. He should know clearly what you want him to do, when he needs to be home, the kind of behaviour you want in the home, and what you will not tolerate. Reward good behaviour and have consequences for actions that do not fulfil your expectations. If your son does not live up to your expectations and you say or do nothing, then he will learn to take you for granted. There have to be consequences to his actions. It’s a matter of respect for him. It tells him that he matters. Again, it is imperative that you be consistent in this regard. You can’t put up with foul language all year round, and then become upset when he does it in front of relatives. Clear expectations and boundaries are important.



Finally, love your son with no strings attached. Your love for him should be unconditional and he should know this clearly. No matter what happens, no matter what he does, no matter how much of a mess he makes of his life, he should know that it does not change your love for him. Yes, you may not always be able to fix things, and yes, you may at times be disappointed or angry, but it does not change your basic acceptance and love of who he is. This way, hopefully, he will always feel safe to turn to you in his need.